I loved this photo when I first saw it. I, with my chin held high with a “Look at me and what I got” gleam in my eye.
My exquisitely beautiful bride on my arm. My mom and my dad…first, that is something to be said in its own self, a photo with my mom AND dad. Not only that though, a picture of them looking…genuinely happy.
But, if you were to ask Norman Rockwell to paint a portrait of an insecure couple simply trying to fill a void in their lives; and subconsciously one was filled with shame and the other was filled with hate…
He couldn’t have imagined it any more perfect. Which by the way is an impossibility; More perfect. You can’t be more perfect. Think about that. I think I heard Robert Wuhl once acknowledge that and it’s not an original statement, however, you get the point.
I adored her, and more than that I adored having someone that looked like her in those moments of absolute beauty being displayed for others to notice and compliment her on. (How about that for a slightly, okay, very bitter backhanded compliment?) And more than that, I adored having someone that looked like her in those moments of absolute beauty being displayed for others to notice and compliment her on as my girlfriend, fiance, and then wife!
Everything else fucking sucked!
And it was because neither of us loved ourselves. Eventually, we stop believing what the other is saying and it’s because we know it isn’t true. When we said “I love you” to each other, and I initiated it always; it was because I wanted to hear it back. Because I could never look in the mirror and say it back to me. Not then at least. But we’re working on that. I’m going to suspect with what I predict is great accuracy, she couldn’t have done the same back then either. Our marriage was over before we even met each other. I should give back all the money that was given to us for our wedding. It essentially went to the “Keith and Alison Entertainment Fund”. I bought a tv and I think we…yeah, we bought a t.v. Rest assured though it is a sick Sony LED that I got out of the divorce settlement. WINNING! That refund would signify an acknowledgement that our marriage was nothing more than a predictably failed experiment.
As of today, I know Alison has already found another guy to hear those words from. The final straw for us is when she revealed to me about “Emotional Affairs” she was having with men she met online. Never physically, though. I truthfully don’t know if I’d rather have her physically cheat on me. She may have. She told me she didn’t , but…you know. And I hopefully never will be provided the opportunity to know what each of them feels like. I’m going to talk about emotion vs. physical later, but for now, I know that her emotional affair decimated me, but also provided the opportunities I may have never been provided if she wasn’t “Catfishing” me. I still think some of those dudes were 58, living on a steady diet of Strawberry Frosted Pop Tarts, Red Bull, and Hungry Man microwavable platters, while under their parents roof playing Halo. More than finding another guy, Alison is playing in a kickball league, providing the vehicle for her “family”, yes family because he has a child. We tried to, on my orders, yes, orders. But thank you oh Lord for not blessing us with child. That would have only kept us together for a short period and she would have been awarded custody. That is a pain my nervous system is telling my brain to avoid at all costs. And hence the thank you oh Lord!
She is essentially a step mom. Not literally for those that don’t know what the fuck literally means. However, I’m happy for her. You want to know why? She divulged to me, and I won’t go into detail out of respect. I know, I know, this coming from the same guy who wrote and directed a biopic for school. Which you can watch right here!
But it was about her childhood, and that is just off limits. For you see, she really doesn’t know what love is. She was never provided that as a child. She was never nurtured and instead of addressing it, she was told she was depressed. OF FUCKING COURSE SHE WAS! Imagine never believing that you deserve to be loved. And more so, you deserved to be hated for everything you do! Her instinct was to seek love. As it should be. Her inner self is so desperate to feel that, fill that, believe that, and she has no goddamn clue as to how to do it for herself. She was tought to find it somewhere else if she couldn’t find it at home. I’ll give you one guess if her parents are married or divorced. And because of that, she sought after love from every where she could. Here is the thing though, ultimately I was truly culpable for our divorce. I would only allow her to have MY love, because I wanted her to only love me. Don’t get me wrong though, I adore her sister and brother in-law, I even adore all of her family. But for her to go out with friends, and have a guy friend…Do you think someone like me, who has no idea as to what true love is, would trust her? Our wedding day was like the premier of the movie “Titanic”, you fucking knew how it was going to end! Do you want to know why I’m happy for her though?
Today, she is finding her child again. And hopefully she is nuturing it like it so desperately is craving for it to be.
I on the other hand, I’m standing in front of the mirror.
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