Get it up and Keith it up: A Team Beachbody love story

So, how many of you that follow me on Facebook are sick of seeing: “Keith Hannigan Posted a “Map My Ride” workout?  He biked an absurd amount of miles.  He burned I don’t give a shit number of calories, and he spent the amount of time I enjoyed a full episode of House of Cards while he was sweating like A-Rod during a urine test. .

Yeah, me too.  What can I say though, I feel good, really, really good.  And yes, I do get either coupons or points from Map My Ride when I post my workouts.  Hence all the posts.  Plus I want you all to feel lazy.

I can’t wait til someone comes out with “Map My Ass”.  Keith watched two episodes of Shark Tank, he consumed 643 calories, and he didn’t move for 1 hour and 28 minutes watching it.  You know, because I got DVR.  WINNING!

charlie-sheen-winning

The point of this, you’re welcome, is because I want to help.  I really want to help.  Too many people that I know, that I care about, struggle with their weight and what it does to them emotionally.  If you know me, you know, well, you know I have some expertise in this area.   If you don’t know me, I just posted a picture of Charlie Sheen, if you find me untrustworthy, well I can’t help you.

Being a fat kid is something I will always struggle with.  Plain and simple.  Anybody that was a fat kid, knows exactly what I’m talking about.  Those skinny little pricks that were both my friend and still the ones to call me fat…I know you’re fat now, trust me, I do.  It’s called Google.

 

google-your-name

 

About 5 years ago, I was engaged and trying to figure out how to work out again, this time, without a gym membership.  I have a love/hate relationship with the gym.  I love watching girls workout wearing yoga pants, but meanwhile I’m next to one of the cast from Jersey Shore wearing way too much Drakkar Noir and screams like Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in “When Harry Met Sally” every time he chest presses 20lbs.

 

But the gym wasn’t going to work for me because I was living in Selkirk, NY and if you don’t know where Selkirk is, don’t worry, neither do the residents of Selkirk.  One day on my hour and a half, one way commute, I was listening to ESPN Radio; which you couldn’t get me to do again these days even if you promised me a sex tape between Heidi Klum and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen.  You’re welcome for that image.  And no, there isn’t any picture of the two of them together. But here is a sweet one of Kelly Kapowski for you!

Kelly Kapowski

Anyway, while listening to either the  fat, dumb, jock and the whiny Jew or the Howard Cossel wannabe except, well,  without talent, they were doing what is referred to as “Live Reads” for P90x. Live Reads are those moments when the actual talent, whether they have it or not in this case, talk about a product.  Now, some of these are called testimonials.  A testimonial is when the talent not only reads about the product, but claims to have used the product.  Think Tim Philbin, if you have to, I love Tim, in the Rutland, VT. Market talking about Hartes Flooring (God bless, my friend) as a local example.   Or Howard Stern and the Squatty Potty nationally.  I have one and I swear by the damn thing!  Every one thinks it’s a stool.  Like I need a stool for anything! (I’m not tall).  But little do they know, it is for my stool…

 

Well, on ESPN there were talking about how great p90x was.  I had no damn clue as to what this P90x was.  It sounded like something the kids were taking at a Phish show.

“Did you hear that jam in Reba while low balling on the P 9 to the zero x file brotherman?”

“Nahman, I was rolling on bath salts eating this dready dude that asked me for a miracle.  So I totally chomped his ass!  Was it sick?”

“Totally brah, Trey was killing it”

It wasn’t that.  P90X is this 90 day extreme workout that you’ve all seen the infomercials for.  It sucks.  In a good way.  And I got hooked.  Then I did Insanity and wanted to cry.  I can’t tell you how many disgusting things I would allow to be done to me by this guy than do Insanity again.

fat_guy_3

But I got hook, line and sinkered into the Team Beachbody world.  And for the past 4 years I’ve been a Team Beachbody Coach.  No, I’m not going to post any shirtless selfies, but I can private message them to you, if you’d like. (WINK)  It will be so much more naughty that way. Anywho…

Being a Team Beachbody Coach for the past 4 years has been pretty sick.  I get a kick ass discount on Shakeology, supplements, and any program I purchase. You can even stream the workouts and if you do, you will have access to workouts that aren’t available on DVD.

Now for total transparency, yes, I do get paid if I sell a product to you, but this really isn’t about that.  Of course it’s a perk, but I have a good job, I don’t necessarily need the extra money, and I won’t be quitting my job anytime soon. Or will I?

Muahahahaha.jpg

Here is the thing though, there is this funny word called fulfillment.  And let me tell you about it.

Fulfillment comes from helping someone that needs your help.  And if you have the opportunity, the desire, and more than anything, the experience to help someone; why the fuck wouldn’t you do it?

So here I am.  Telling you that I’m currently 50 pounds lighter than my highest weight.  I’ve kept the mass majority off since and I have a consistent routine that obviously works. I’m not going to go into my full routine, but lets just say, you guys are pretty sick of seeing one aspect of it.  (For those that don’t know me, I post my aforementioned bike rides almost daily) But I do get one Team Beachbody workout in at least 6 days a week.  Currently it’s the Hammer and Chisel.  Google Autumn Calabrese.  Male, female, transgender, it doesn’t matter, you will Google all over yourself when you do. But the first part of my day is really simple and the first tip is free.  And when I say free, I don’t mean like I’m going  to NOT charge you for this.  I’m an idiot if I were to insinuate that.  I mean this doesn’t actually cost anything for you to do.  You ready?

Go for a walk first thing in the morning.  I know many of you have young little ones, and it’s quite difficult to find the time to do anything without them.  But, if you do and you’re married, then take turns watching them.  One morning you get the kids ready while she goes for a walk, and the next morning she watches them.   Maybe it’s something both of you can do as a couple or competitors.  If and when you get the chance to walk together, you can see who is doing the “Pissed off power walking lady face”,  with her arms at perfect 90-degree angle, squeezing her glutes with every step.  Or if one of you is just going down to the corner and back really friggin slow to pretend they walked.   Meanwhile, they are the ones that come back in a flop sweat.  Hmmm…

For me, I eat breakfast before.  Few eggs.  Yogurt. Fruit. Or this kick-ass protein infused, whole grain pancakes I saw on Shark Tank called Kodiak Cakes.They sell them at Hannaford.  Variety is the best thing for your body so it doesn’t plateau.  Plus, who the hell enjoys eating the same thing for breakfast everyday?  This is your life, not prison!    Also, before you go, drink a big tall glass of water.  Your body is dehydrated when you wake up, so refuel it!  The glass of water will also help get your insides going.  You may want to wait until your insides are gone before going on said walk though, if you know what I’m saying. And for those of you that struggle with that, a glass of water really helps.   But be sure to  drink one when you get back too.   You will pee all day long and will start to lose that excess water weight you have on you.  Now  don’t go  and be a douche and eff this whole thing up by the way by getting a Peppermint Mocha Latte from Starbucks.  Even though those things would be my beverage of choice if I was on Death Row.  But for those of you that think you’re caffeine habit is getting a little out of hand.  You know, if you’re the type that is ready to slaughter a small village when you first wake up until the moment you have that sip of Foldgers;   You’ll be astonished when you discover that one thing we can do, that doesn’t cost a dime, will wake you up and have you feeling better than any double espresso, cappuccino:  Breathing.  Yes breathing.  Funny things happen when you get oxygen to your brain.  It actually starts to work.

Breath work is a novel idea and will segue nicely into the last reason I’m “making you” read this.  (Even though we both know that you got hooked right away and are enjoying it)

Wellness.

Do any of you know what the hell that word even means?  Well, I’ll help you.

 

I know my fair share, and I was completely one of them, arrogant douches because I worked out.  Then, I not only discovered yoga, but I also discovered meditation.  Your image of me is changing right now, I know.  And it’s great!  Brother Dweeb or Hippie Keith is coming back, but this time, with abs!  Namaste bitches!

My interest in this aspect of our species is truly my favorite.  Emotions are crazy.  Absolutely crazy. Seriously, my mind won’t shut the fuck up for one second!  It’s exceptional but, come on.  It’s like having a neighbor with a garage band that is really good, but by the time it’s midnight and they are practicing “Whole Lotta Love” for the 9th time, it gets a little tiresome.

Breathing though cures almost everything emotionally.  It’s like that bottle disinfectant that kills 99.9% of germs.  You just want to know; What the hell is that .01% and why won’t it die?  Like a friend of mine said once, that .01% is what causes the Walking Dead.

But whether it be: Anger, stress, anxiety, frustration, resentment, hostility, and so on, just breathe.  It helps. Trust me!  But if you’re medicating because you are one of those that suffers deeply from depression, there are alternatives.  I really suggest this book:

And these tips have been brought to you by Coach Keithitup.

With all of that being said, here are the links to my Team Beachbody Website, My Shakeology Website, and my Ultimate Reset website*.  If you don’t have time to exercise, and want to lose 20lbs while devoloping the best eating habits of your life, trust me, I do the reset once a year to give my body a break from working out.

Feel free to contact me anyway you choose.  You can email me directly at (do I put an @ symbol there?  Is writing symbol after writing a symbol redundant?  It feels like it)

kth08250@gmail.com

And thanks for playing…

 

http://www.beachbodycoach.com/COACHKEITHITUP

 

*I noticed after I wrote this that they don’t have an Ultimate Reset website any longer for Coaches.  Essentially, it is a 21 day clean eating, and supplement based detox.  When I’m done with those 21 days, I’m leaner, I feel emotionally better, and I just feel well overall.  I highly recommend it!

 

 

 

 

 

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Screw the person, help the dog.

Have you ever been the “Phone a friend”? And no, I don’t mean Regis on the other end asking: “Keith is that you? Regis Philbin, Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.  You ever notice on that show that the person always answered on the first ring?  Little desperate.

The phone a friend I’m talking about, well…

The first instance I can recall was a classmate of mine my senior year in high school.  I went to a very small Catholic High School in Rutland,VT.  A city that lately has become synonymous with heroin and a Syrian refugee debate.  Poor Syrians, not only to they have to go to a place they are not wanted.  They have to go to Rutland too.

It wasn’t always like this though.  A thriving economy with not one but two General Electric plants.  Multiple factories that provided the nation and parts of the world plastics and wood.   Now, not so much.  But during 1996, booming.  Thanks Slick Willy!!

I was only 17 years old, but a friend was calling me because of my expertise in specific subject matter.  It wasn’t about homework, no one would ever fucking call ME for homework.  It wasn’t for relationship advice. I was better in science than I was in relationships and I consistently failed science.  No, the subject was way more serious than that.  She was calling me to tell me she wanted to kill herself.  Only weeks before, maybe days, I was released from Cheshire Medical Center in New Hampshire, where I stayed for 15 Days and 14 Nights.  At 17 years old, I was the one that answered the: “Cry for Help”.  I don’t know how many of you have had that luxury.  But, being handed that responsibility, in the same very room you attempted your own suicide attempt, only days after coming back there.  I will just say this:

I wouldn’t have had anyone else fucking do it!

Oh, and she lived.

Years later, well, I may have gotten that call again.  This time, I was too hungover to talk.

3 days later.

He didn’t.

Last Friday I get a text from a woman that I think highly of.  We met on one of the many dating websites I subscribe to.  I like to say I’m casting a wide net.  Realistically, I’m just desperate to hear someone hot say I’m cute.  We could go into a very deep psychoanalysis of this, but we will save that for another blog.

My friend, who we will call Faith 333,  is recently separated and has a 10 year old  boy.  Very attractive lady, nice body, a school teacher,  public speaker,  life coach and a writer.  The latter  still something that I’m trying to convince myself that I am.  See you in 3 months Tony Robbins!

Once Faith 333 liberated herself from her marriage and was officially labeled as “Currently Separated”, she  went on one of the many dating websites I frequent on a daily basis.  Now,  to add some credibility; It wasn’t even 2 days into my ex and I deciding to get a divorce before I already had this gorgeous little lady that wanted to meet me on Match.com  And when she did…Let’s just say she got to witness an actual nuclear meltdown from point blank range.  I officially became her dating site horror story.    Eventually, though, I met a girl, that was amazingly sweet but just as amazingly insecure.  We ended up sleeping with each other on the first date and the whole time I couldn’t get the image of my ex out of my head.  Another horror story. Then I  met a hippie girl I obsessed about, but that turned into the Three Mile Island to the previous Chernobyl.  Now, I’ve never seen American Horror Story, but I understand that there are 3 different seasons of it, each with a different story line.  This was my dating life.  Eventually though, I  went down to D.C. just to have sex for a weekend with a girl I was crazy about in another life. A very “No Strings Attached” weekend. But, like any addict, I hopped right back on the Merry-Go-Round of dating websites and  met a crazy Christian.  That ended due to one of those Himalayan Salt Lamps and a rabid cat.  Long story.   And my last fling came and went when I  met the next Senator of NY.  But this one ACTUALLY  became my girlfriend…  For a week!  No shit! Good thing that didn’t become Facebook official, so we can pretend it never happened.

Faith 333 on the other hand met someone that made her feel for the first time in only God knows how long!  Made her feel loved.  Made her feel sexy! Made her feel wanted, desired, coveted.  Unfortunately though, she became second fiddle to addictions like her ex-husband she was still technically married to. She was rejected by this man she met,  which in her heart and mind is her Scarlett Letter, rejection that is. Her and I went out on an official date, and I asked if there was someone else. I had a sense.  She confirmed that she still had feelings for this guy.  Why wouldn’t she?  Imagine you were in an incorrigible situation for YEARS, and when you break free from it, there is someone there that, you thought, swept you off your feet.  The funny thing about encounters like these, desperate enough, you will find any commonality to build upon.  Even though the strongest commonality here was the way she was all alone again, except for the love of her son.  Which was now becoming strenuous due to the horrible back and forth her and her soon to be ex-husband were subjecting him to on a daily basis. And child of divorce knows what I’m talking about.  No matter how much you try not to put the child in the middle, the child(ren) always are.  And typically, one will use the child as leverage.  Which is appalling, but true.  Desperate times call for desperate measures right?  Anyway, the night that Faith 333 and I went out,  my “Spidey Sense” for dating too soon, which I believe I am now an expert of, was freaking out.  I could tell this lovely woman was wounded, and she needed time to heal. But rejection is a son of a bitch…

Many of us know that feeling don’t we?  The feeling of wanting what we can’t have?  We will convince ourselves that it’s SO MUCH MORE than that!  I mean seriously,  I was married to a girl that was talking to other guys online about the possibility of  them meeting BEFORE we got married.  She even contacted the guy on our Honeymoon.  She even had phone sex with one guy.  IN OUR BEDROOM. After being told some of this and figuring out the rest and confronting her about it; You know what happened right after I moved out of our house?

I STILL WANTED HER BACK!

Because she rejected me.  And… I was dying to have sex with her just one last time.

But the text I got from Faith 333 wasn’t about that though.  I actually  mentioned why she did. Did you pick up on it?  He is an addict and alcoholic, and furthermore, and she didn’t know she was doing this, she was worried about him hurting himself after not hearing from him since the evening before.  A night she thought he had been consuming something. But she didn’t know this, but this was now the 3rd time in my life that phone rang and it may have had a persons life hanging in the balance.

And there was no one else that I’d rather have answering that phone call.

After some tears were shed on her part, and understandably so.  No one wants to be rejected.  True story: The last time I heard my ex-wife cry?  She was on the phone with me, still as my wife, and she was listening to me cry about how much I missed her.  She told me to stop crying.  Then I asked about the guy she said she was convinced she was in love with, the internet troll living in his mom and dads basement.  Or so I believe.  She welled up and told me he stopped talking to her. Hmmm…Maybe it was because he was a major reason why you wanted to leave your husband.  It was much deeper than that though, please see a previous blog post of mine.

She asked if I would come over for dinner, which I accepted.  Why?  I’m in a good place emotionally, and when I am, I love to help people.  Does it help that Faith 333 looks the way she does?  It sure as shit doesn’t hurt.

While I was there we enjoyed each others deep conversations, while revealing some of our darkest moments.  I’m not the type that goes on to social media and just blabs about my problems.  That’s what blogs are for!  No, seriously though, we have a connection.  We ended up watching that Tony Robbin’s movie on Netflix and talked until midnight.  I kissed her on the cheek and forehead to let her know she is loved, and wished her a good night.

The next morning I woke up in a pisser of a mood.  I don’t typically stay up past 10pm, primarily because I wake up religiously before 6am.  So, falling asleep at around 1am and waking up at 6am flat out sucks. Instantly something that happened at the end of my work day popped into my head, which did nothing but perpetuate my bad mood.  Then I got a notification on my phone, then another, and another.  Faith 333 thanked me so much for what I did and told me that she was going to do what she needed to.  I suggested the night before that she focus on her son.  Being a son of an ugly divorce, which she is going through, the child needs to be at the forefront of her mind, not a guy she was chasing.

So Faith 333 said she was going to do just that, focus on her son…Until, well, emotion takes a hold of your throat and then face punches you over, and over, and over, and over and over, and over…and when you think it’s finally done, it starts back up even stronger than before.  Why?  Because nobody wants to be rejected.  Remember my ex-wife and her internet fairy tale lover?  I would have taken her back in a second during the first year of our divorce, and probably portions of the second.  THAT is how powerful the feeling of rejection is.  It’s like an addiction to heroin mixed with cocaine.

She asked if she could come see me and go for a bike ride.  My bad mood from lack of sleep and work immediately dissipated.  I started to clean up, get myself ready, and get psyched for my ride.  It was shortly followed by her texting that  she got sick and can’t come.  Funny how your body reacts when your mind convinces you that there is a crisis happening.  Now, my bad mood came back with a vengeance.  I decided I would read which  didn’t last longer than two sentences.  My anger and frustration with everything I did, was willing to do, and was excited to keep on doing overwhelmed me.  So what did I do you may ask?

I got the fuck up.

Everyday, especially lately thanks to the nice weather.  I go for a walk first thing in the morning.  One morning though, I see a German Sheppard running around only a street up from my place.  Now, my childhood best friend had a German Sheppard growing up, his name was Apollo.   Appropriately named because he was as terrifying as the boxer in the Rocky movies and as fast a space rocket.  So there is a bit of a fear from adolescence that resurfaces when I see one.  Especially one that is free from his chain.  But I decided that day to keep on my path.  Not going to lie, I definitely turned around and started having second thoughts.  But as I approached the dog, I remembered a lesson I saw watching G.I Joe.

 

What I did do though was turn my hand palm side down and let him sniff the back of my hand.  He licked my hand and we realized we were both friendly and very beautiful.  A minute later I heard a whistle, turned around, and grabbed the dog by the collar and brought him to his somewhat grateful, annoyed, and embarrassed owner.

Fast forward back to the morning that Faith 333 “blew me off”.  I kid, because I will send this to her.  I began my walk on this beautiful morning and instantly I started feeling better.  Then a man in his Chevy Silverado pulls up and asked if I’ve seen a dog?  Told him that I haven’t but I did ask what kind?

A German Sheppard he said.  I quickly responded, without thinking of how douchey it may sound:

“Oh are you the same guy that lost him 2 weeks ago?”

“Yes”. he said with a soft tone that essentially said: “Son of a bitch, does this guy only walk when I lose my dog?!?”

Now that I think of it, I wasn’t douchey; Here is an idea, stop losing your damn dog?!?

Minutes later I saw the dog and we ran up to each other like two hippies tripping on acid that finally found each through the forest of people at a Summer Festival.  Seconds after that, I saw the guys truck and we got our dog back to his owner.  I continued on my walk with my head held high, my shoulders back, and an immense sense of pride.

Moral of the story or for some of you and what the fuck is the point of this for the rest:

The point is…We say things happen for a reason and some of us say “It is what it is”.

Fuck that!

When you’re feeling down, depressed, sad or are just not feeling mentally well: Get up, go do something for you, something for a family member. And if they suck, do in spite of.  If they suck that much, do something  for a friend.  And if you don’t have any friends, do it for a co-worker, and if they smell like 3 day old cheese, do something for a stranger, and if strangers scare you, JUST DO SOMETHING!

Because a dog could be lost without you.

A classmate may hate her life so much not realizing that she eventually can leave and be free of her mothers dark shadow.

A mentor may be lost and you may know the way out.

Or your friend calls, and because he’s not a good looking girl like the other two, you don’t answer the phone and then he’s gone.

 

Please trust me, doing something, no matter how painful it can be.  I promise you, it will never be as horrifying as the feeling that comes from doing nothing.
Live with passion!

-k

 

 

The concept of purpose

A sense of purpose.   A line some have heard repeatedly that it becomes tattooed in their brains, or a phrase we’ve heard and had no goddamn clue as to what it truly meant.  For me, it is because I’ve never understood the concept of purpose.

Jesus once said, and no I’m not going on a rant pro or opposed to religion, I’m simply quoting; “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  This may very well be the “secret of life”.  But there is one caveat; some people really fucking hate themselves.

Outside factors have dictated what many of us  believe, or more so perceive, what our purpose is supposed to be: Get an education, get a job,  have a family, provide for that family, retire, make sure you live healthy enough lives to see your grandkids, and hopefully great grand kids, and pass along with minimal regret in life.

To many that sounds perfect.  Unfortunately, for me, or more so, fortunately for me, I see more to it than that. But I don’t have kids, so I have time to be so selfish.

Many of us are told to do things we love.  I personally love eating an amazing meal and taking the most refreshing shit afterwards; I also love to masturbate after a stressful day and sometimes as way to start a day.  But I don’t think that I can make either of those a profession.  Or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough to find a way to make it so.   neither of those are what I just discovered is all of ours purpose in life: To serve one another.

However,  neither of those are what I just discovered is all of ours purpose in life: To serve one another.

Nothing feels better than hearing back something nice and genuine from another.  Think about it, there is nothing like it in the world.  Most of us even allow the affection or lack thereof to dictate not only our lives, but how we feel about ourselves.

Have you ever gone for a walk first thing in the morning?  It is a part of my daily “ritual”.  (Obviously I have two others that I made you aware of, and I have already completed one. Enjoy that image)  If you have and/or do, you more than likely at some point during your travels you will come across another one of your species.  What do you say when you do?  Most of us, “Good Morning”.  What a great thing to say to a stranger.  You’re essentially saying: “I don’t know you, but  I wish you a  good day!”  And by hearing it back, you glow because you know that it has the potential to be so and it’s hearing something positive from another.  Think about that.  You wish something upon another, and they then wish it upon you.  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  In many of us, it is our instinct, our impulse, to do so.  To be so kind to acknowledge another and wish them such an exceptional pleasantry.  Some keep their heads down…They are the ones that are struggling.  Like we have, and some do until the time they expire.  They had no realization of purpose.

But think about how simple a good morning is to another.  And once you do,  then you can move onto a deeper purpose; Use your skillset to serve others, and then improve and increase that skillset to achieve more, to serve more, to be more fulfilled.  That is what the purpose of doing something you love is.  And my mind couldn’t  be more proud for finally figuring that the fuck out!

“Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.”

Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to do something that I love to do…