Make Your Move and Shake Your Ass: My Four Days with Tony: The Beginning

AUTHORS NOTE:  This was going to be one really long blog post.  Then when I got to 2000 words  and realized I was 1/3rd the way through, the consensus was to make this a series.  I mean people struggle to read 140 letters these days! And before my story begins; yes, I’m fully aware that my title sounds like a God awful softcore porn on Showtime at, like, 3:15 AM.

Now that we’ve got that established.

Coincidence may be one of, if not the most peculiar aspects of life.  Some don’t believe it exists. They believe in God, but not in coincidence or Climate Change.  I believe in God, Climate Change is a fact and coincidence does happen.  Take early August 2016.

The series of events in chronological order:

  1. My therapist and I started talking about my childhood.  Yes, I see a therapist, but only once a month, so that means I’m only 1/12th crazy. (I’m not strong in math)
  2. I went on a date with a”Life Coach” that not only specialized in child psychology, but I’m pretty sure she specialized at sucking at life.  If she reads this, you were as hot of a mess as a dumpster behind a daycare in Texas.
  3. And lastly, I watched the documentary “I Am Not Your Guru”.

What you must understand though, when my therapist and I were starting to bring up my childhood, or lack thereof depending on who you ask. I was asking my therapist and she was saying lack thereof; It brought up wounds that I had no idea still existed.  What I thought was common, she told me was anything but.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve recently come across people whose traumatic tales of their childhood that would make Hitler and Bin Laden cry; So I didn’t really see anything atrocious about mine.  However, the subject matter brought an extraordinary amount of buried bodies to the surface.

Dinner with the “coach” was shortly thereafter.  She possessed kind eyes, unbelievable passion, and a sympathetic heart.  She is actually a published author for a widely popular self-help publisher.  One that I had no idea existed, not to mention the concept of self-help” had always seemed, well, cultish to me. It didn’t help that she reminded me of the kindergarten teacher from Billy Madison.


What she also possessed was a degree in Child Psychology.  So when I said one thing, she would ask, “what was your relationship with food as a child?”  Here I am thinking, “how did she know I was a fat kid growing up??? I must say that I was also pretty desperate at the time.  I was totally the 20 car pile up to her dumpster fire.  She could have ordered a glass of water at dinner and I would have been, “OH MY GOD, you drink water too!  We have so much in common!”  Needless to say, we didn’t make it past date one.

And then I watched a goddamn documentary.

The Netflix documentary  “I Am Not Your Guru”  is about the 6-day event called “Date with Destiny”.  For 6 days, people pay at minimum $5000 to have their lives examined and changed like they’ve never had before.  My reaction to the first scene:  “HOLY SHIT!  I’m there!” All the while being blown away by the fact that this was the same big tooth Tony Robbins I saw 13 years prior on those informercials telling me how I could be a millionaire and thin.   They really stood out because I saw them primarily  late at night while I was piss the bed drunk trying to, well, “entertain myself” to a “Girls Gone Wild” commercial.  Don’t act like you haven’t been there! And if you had, you know it ain’t that easy  so give me some credit for the effort!

Fast forward 13 years later and I’m not necessarily crying, my living room  just so happened to be really filled with pollen when I was watching him talk to a suicidal man in red shoes.  It was the rawest of emotions.  I’m fascinated by human emotion and especially those that can manipulate them.  All I knew, this is something different.  Different is interesting.  Different is fun!

And when was the last time I did something truly fun?

Problem: FIVE FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS! And that’s just for the ticket to the event!   This didn’t include flight or hotel, or food, or transportation.  My wedding reception was slightly over $5,000, and we saw how that ended.


That’s when I started to research.  Let me say, if I’d researched this hard in high school or the first time I went to college, I’d be Dr. Hannigan.  But it paid off.

Unleash the Power Within is a 4-day event that was happening in San Jose California in November.  To get in, it was about $625.  There were tickets for much more, but just to get in  was $4k less. So unless you get lost crossing the street, you can see this was becoming more and more feasible.  After looking into flights and a hotel, all in, $1600.  Now we’re dancing. However, two months prior I graduated from college at the age of 37 where I got to live out my lifelong dream of writing and directing a movie.  Oh look, here it is!


Point being, I now I had a mountain of student debt at the aforementioned age of 37.  How the hell was I going to justify spending $1600 on a goddamn motivational speaking seminar that may or may not work? All the while the cloud of paying this shit off at the age of 60 was hovering over.

Then God sent me an angel.  Her name is literally Angel.

I called the Robbins Institute to discuss whether I should or shouldn’t do this.  You know, because when we all make a substantial purchase the best person to call is someone that works there and ask, “Hey, should I spend money with the company that pays you?”  To my pleasant surprise,  this sweet sounding woman answered the phone.  I say pleasant surprise because I had no idea what to expect.  Was I expecting a character from the movie “Boiler Room” and then here them yell “Greco” when I showed interest?  Was I expecting a woman that sounded like she smoked a pack of Marlboro Red 1000’s since 13? I had no idea.   What I did get though was an exquisite woman that I will tell you more about later. After I asked that absurd question, she said exactly what I needed to hear. Truth be told, it didn’t take much convincing. She just simply said precisely the right thing.  Like standing at the edge of the cliff on a beautiful island with crystal blue waters awaiting my  body below. I didn’t need a push to dive, I just needed a whisper in my ear saying, “do it.”  And I dove.   She even hooked me up with a deal after I gave her my sob story.  God is she magnificent.  Just like that the ball was in motion.  Hopped online to book my flight and hotel and  here we motherfucking go!!!  I’m going to San Jose for a Tony Robbins event!

Even more beautiful, alright, not even, but pretty sweet was all the freebies. I love free stuff.  I know, I know, I’m a Patriarch.  Anyway,  first thing, I got to choose from a list of “Anthony Robbins” audio programs as a free trial.  Typically it’s only 30 days until you have to return them.  My Angel gave me 60.  I have to do a quick check,  do I sound like Corey Feldman when I say “my Angel”?


Please, sweet, vanilla smelling, Christmas baby Jesus I hope not. I’ll stop.  Anway, I of course chose the longest program I could.  Hey, I got two months with them and three months to kill, so what the hell else was I going to do? Work? My boss doesn’t have Facebook or Twitter, so you know.  His wife does though.  She won’t read it.  Unless you are right now.  If you are, hi, thanks for reading, and you could do so much better than him.

So,   I chose “Ultimate Edge”.  Yes, because it just sounded so very bad ass.  And I listened.  And I did the exercises, well 99% of them at least.  For those that have never heard any of his audio programs, you can easily give them a shot on Youtube.  There is content that is truly spectacular.  But just listening to a series of CD’s was not going to help me get to where I needed to be.  For you see, I had no idea where I needed to go.

Another bonus was a free coaching session.  If you’ve never spoken to a “life coach”, dumpster fires aside, it’s pretty intense.  A therapist, for those of you that have yet to experience one, which means you need one; you talk  98% of the session, they ask you why you feel that way, you try to figure it out, and then at the end they give their two cents and then ask when you want to schedule your next appointment.  I love my therapist, but it’s like “Who’s the Boss” and waiting for Tony and Angela to bang!  I mean come on already, he’s Tony fucking Danza! Moral of the story, the process is quite arduous.  With a coach, especially one as highly trained as one from TR, the conversation went like:

Coach: What’s the problem?

Me: I struggle with blah blah blah and my divorce did nothing but reinforce it since she told me blah blah blah.  On top of doing blah blah blah I blah blah blah.

Coach: Oh poor you, you allowed this woman to make you feel this way.  So you’re telling me you aren’t strong enough to feel for yourself. You allow others to be the determining factor of  how YOU feel about YOUR life?  How about this, we look into actually getting you a pair of testicles and then we go from there.


HOWEVER, I’m not going to post a pic or video of someone shitting their pants like I did when she then, of course, tried to sell me on paying for an annual coaching contract.  Not cheap. And I think we already established that I owe a couple dollars to student debt.  Primarily due to the fact I kept taking refund checks and using them for blow and booze. So I got a great education on how to totally piss away money! Literally.


Nonetheless, my hairy ass was getting on a plane to San Jose on November 10th.

But first came November 8th.


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