The Pit of Despair, the World of Online Dating

In a world where you are desired, you are wanted, you are flooded with compliments about your smile, your eyes, your sense of humor; Only to find out your admirer  is a mother of four, could be an offensive lineman for the Jets, has 17 homemade tattoos on her tits,  and is a firm believer in her lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Which she has plenty of time to worship, since a job seems to interfere with that.

fat woman with tattoos


Welcome to online dating.

You ever notice when someone asks, “do you know what the definition of insanity is?”, you always answer yes; yet they continue to tell you it’s the act of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Fun Fact, you know the first time it ever appeared? Not Einstein, or Twain; Narcotics Anonymous!



Online dating is now the definition of insanity.

Everyday, you open the page either on your computer, tablet, and/or phone and expect to find something different. But there they are. The same people from yesterday, last week, last month, last year.  And here you are tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

Whether it’s a free site: Plenty of Fish or OK Cupid. And I’ll let you guess what type of people parade and stalk said free sites.fat woman with tattoos

What makes it free is the ability to create a profile and email someone.  That’s it.  It’s having the ability to contact someone with an actual message.

As opposed to:

A site where you have to pay to contact someone:, EHarmony, Meet Mindful.

This helps somewhat weed out the sketchy ones.  However, once a day, someone that is breathtakingly beautiful, lets say her name Makayla, and she is:

29 years old



Doesn’t Drink

Doesn’t smoke

Doesn’t do drugs

Doesn’t have kids

Never been Married

Has a photo that makes her look like she was Miss Cambodia.  And who is she looking for you may ask? Well, guys between the ages of 40-75 years old, the height of 3’0 and 7’0, with any body types, and doesn’t care if you have a job, have kids, drink, smoke, do drugs, or live at home.

What a fucking catch right?  However, none of them can ever “afford the memberships”, which is totally justified given her standards. So, they leave their gmail address by writing: “Hit me up at, se7endirtysecrets at G AMall dot com” either on their pics or profile.  This profile usually has a shelf life of about 20 minutes.  Which is all the time they need to send you about 2 message, like all of your photos, and crush any hope you have for finding love.

One or many may ask, “why would they do that?” It’s typically a financial scam to get you to come to some site that probably has videos of donkeys getting sucked off by the aforementioned woman with the 17 tattoos on her tits, with her four kids watching, as she quotes scripture damning homosexuality.

fat woman with tattoos

Another may ask “who falls for this?” I don’t know, but like an old friend said to me about going around to every hot girl at Flubberbusters at 3am and seeing if they want to go home with him: It only takes one.

Lastly, the apps.  Now, the aforementioned sites all have apps.  But only some are purely app. based.  The one we all have heard of and should experience, Tinder.

There are other ones like Coffee Meets Bagel which tries to be “classy” and indiscreet about it.  Which means they are new and yet to be invaded by the mass amount of online predators.  Predators meaning serial daters. Spac Profile Pic


On Tinder, you either say yes or no to someone, we all have heard the term, “swipe right, or swipe left”.  All in search of our Tinderella. And if you say yes, and they say yes, then you communicate.

Yet, you must swipe through about 37 girls that wouldn’t live in Hudson Falls, travel through Hudson Falls, look up Hudson Falls, or care to ever know of Hudson Falls.

Adriana Lima

Pretty sure Andriana Lima isn’t sitting at Phat Chicks Diner on Main St. wondering who’s between the ages of 20-80, within a 5-mile radius of this quaint, blue-collar America town.

As opposed to:

fat woman with tattoos


And there are many, many, many others. That I choose not to go into for simple sake of pride.

Here is the root problem of online dating: It is the definition of insanity for many of us.  Why? Because Chris Rock said it best, “A man is only as faithful as his options.”  And when you are conversing with someone on a mechanism that provides multiple options that consist of the “unknown”, it is most assured to die before it ever has a chance of living.

Online dating causes you to abort the chance for potential.

I know that is a strong phrase, as I hope I’ve displayed some semblance of intelligence.  But, when you’ve participated in it, lived it, and am living currently through it; you really start to question yourself: Is it me? Why can’t I simply meet the right one?  Why does everyone I like, not like me back?

And even worse, why do the ones I don’t like, seem to be the ones that like me the most?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some absolutely esquisite, breathtaking, and amazing women.  Some have lived too far away. Some have had too many children for a 38-year old divorced man with a fitness and writing obsession…who owns a plant.

And some, and this is the most heartbreaking of them all, some have had either one or no child, and you think, you really think you’ve finally found them.  And then you realize that dating at this stage in life is fucking hard.

Why do these relationships fail?  Because one or both of us says: “I’m set in my ways”.

Really? Because I have a feeling that in about 40 years, I’m going to have to piss 40 times a night and won’t be able to eat sugar or salt.  So me being “set in my ways”, may require a bit of adjusting.

I don’t know if it is me.  But what I do know is that meeting someone online, unlike me, the opposite of me, isn’t going to be easy.  And meeting someone online that is like me, is going to be excruciating. For you see:

Variety is fun, yet dangerous.

Complacency is comfort, yet we never grow.

The unknown is frightening, yet a tease.

And being alone isn’t so bad, yet is so very lonely.

I don’t know if I will ever find “love” online, yet I will continue to try.

Why?  Because I’m insane?  Little bit.

Why? Because I’m bored? Little bit.

Why? Because I’m masochistic? Little bit.

Why? Because trying and failing is better than doing nothing at all?

You bet your sweet fucking ass.

And if you’re a female with an athletic or slender body frame, between the ages of 28-43, with zero to two kids; then look up Athletic Hippie on any of the sites mentioned above.  🙂