I sell air.
If you give me an hour of your time, I’m pretty sure, no, I’m positive I’ll convince you that the air you breathe isn’t nearly as valuable as the air I’m selling.
How do I know that?
Because the air I sell you contains language and harmony. The air I sell can make you think, make you informed, make you laugh, make you angry, make you aroused, make you intrigued, make you cry, make you wonder, and make you dream.
While your air gives you life, my air makes you feel alive.
Do I honestly believe all that is true? Truthfully, I’m indifferent.
For you see, all that matters is that I convince you.
When I’m done, you will be absolutely fucking convinced my air is the greatest goddamn thing that ever happened to your miserable life.
Don’t get me wrong, I used to face the world of tangible products, aka a coupon.
I then went toe to toe with narcissism and bad acting that is television.
Then fucking Stern goes to satellite.
But, yet, like spam, and I’m not talking about the emails for dick pills or your long lost Dominican uncle that was worth billions just died. I mean like the can of jelly coated fake ham.
Like that spam, we survive.
Wanna know why? Because we don’t cost shit.
Think about it. Radio is totally free. While everyone thinks we’re archaic, or worthless. Guess what? We are! We’re old and trusted and we don’t cost you, the consumer a fucking dime. Call your cable company now, if you have one, and tell them you’re going to cancel. Don’t own the top package? No worries, they’ll give it to you for what you’re paying now. Go ahead, try…You’re welcome for your 3 free months of HBO.
And are you receiving Sirius mailers like their fucking Bed Bath and Beyond Coupons? If you wait, they’ll pay you to listen.
Yet here we are in radio, in all our canned, slimy, pink glory.
Oh are we currently going at it with the “sexy” analytics that is digital? Yes. Why? Because, right now, analytics are to businesses what cocaine was to 1981 Miami Beach.
At least that’s what they’re being told.
Does anyone know what an impression is? No, I’m not talking the sweaty outline of your fat ass peeling your almost dead body off your yoga mat. It’s when you see an ad. Or more than likely, don’t see an ad. Think about the boxes on the right that show some donkey getting jacked…..think about the pair of shoes on your Facebook page, that you JUST looked at on the G.H. Bass website. It’s called retargeting. Did you buy or get pissed? I bet you in your subconscious you were not only annoyed, but creeped out.
In a world where paranoia and fear are as regular as those goddamn Bed Bath and Beyond Coupons,(I have enough to build a fucking lean-to) all digital advertising does is make you feel invaded. It doesn’t convince you to do jack shit.
And if it does, I ask you to dig a little deeper before making a decision.
You ever hear a funny radio commercial?
You did, didn’t you?
Of course, you did.
Ever laugh at a pair of shoes haunting your soul the next 24 times you go anywhere and everywhere on the World Wide Web?
Don’t you get it?
We like to be told stories. We all do. Whether through person, song, film, book, game, et cetera. Don’t believe me? What’s that book of stories that so many people read?
Oh yeah, the FUCKING BIBLE!
On radio. We tell you stories.
And we’re damn good at it.
Our stories can inform you, anger you, sadden you, and of course, humor you.
I leave you with this thought, I took statistics a couple times, so I’m going to say I have zero credibility on the subject. But you’re reading this, and that’s because I’m a good storyteller. Or, a good bullshitter. Many will choose the latter and I am one of them.
Nonetheless, for my final project, I was to present something based on statistics, in, well, my 16th Century European History class! Goddamn, my A.D.D and repetitiveness get so fucking annoying. Seriously, I’m the guy that has ham at Easter and talks the next 3 weeks about:
“Why don’t I eat more ham?”
Because, it’s fucking ham…
Anyway, I had this statistics project and I did mine on the NFL QB Rating. Wanna know how they compute the NFL QB Rating? No, you really don’t, but allow me to cut and paste:
Start with .095 and subtract interceptions divided by pass attempts. Divide that product by .04. To gain 2.375 in percentage of interceptions, a passer would have to go the entire season without an interception. Add the sum of 1-4, multiply by 100 and divide by 6
If you can figure that out, you’re an asshole. And you may always be an asshole. So own it…being an asshole.
Anyway, during my presentation, I read what I plagiarized to the class, and then asked the class, what’s the one thing that is not represented in that entire equation?
…wait for it…
I don’t mean the Wilson sisters. Even though, I saw them live one summer and they fucking killed it. Best show of the summer. And I saw Phish, Motley Crue, and Journey that same year.
Ya, not them.
The one thing that we can’t measure in any Nasa nuclear quadratic, (by the way, I typed quadramatic. Thanks red squiggly line because I didn’t have a goddamn clue.) formula that only can be understood by (stereotype) an Asian student at M.I.T?
It’s our heart.
Don’t be a douche and say and EKG. You know what I mean and you’re about to kill the moment and my momentum…
Not only does radio make your heart dance, your heart sing, your heart race and your heart gently weep, but we play Heart too!
Radio doesn’t try to predict your decisions…radio just helps your heart make them.
And the last time I checked, the best decisions I’ve made, you’ve made, we’ve all made…
Came from your heart…