Tales of Serial Dater: The Do’s and Dont’s of Online Dating

We’ve seen the commercials about finding someone special using an app and/or website.  You know the ones, they are usually sandwiched in between a pill that will get you to quit smoking, yet will cause you to tirelessly contemplate killing yourself. But hey, at least you quit smoking.  And the other commercial is about life insurance.  So, to recap, quit smoking by slitting your wrists, find the love of your life, then buy life insurance. Clearly they are in no specific order.  Because that would be, you know, influential.

Nonetheless, as you sit at home on a Friday night, binge watching Netflix while eating your 4th pint of Halo Top Ice Cream, you decide that you’re tired of being alone. So, you do it, you sign up for online dating.

Your gender, age, race, or sexual orientation aside, this is a world unlike any other. Why? Well, allow me to elaborate by giving you what will happen as you create your profile and what will happen immediately after.

For a man, you sit there and upload photos that you think are cool.  Ones of you doing stuff and photos of the stuff you like doing.

What do I mean?

Well, Vinny from Secaucus, NJ loves his IROC. So here are photos of him in his IROC. Here are photos of him shirtless washing his IROC.  And of course, a photo of his IROC, all alone in its glory.

Vinny will describe himself as a fun guy that loves to play hoop, have drinks with the boyz, and of course, his IROC. His primary objective is to land a hot broad that will be fun for him to go to the club with and show off to his buddies.

Meanwhile there is Bonnie from Burlington, VT.  She has photos of her hiking, her friends, her hiking with her friends, her dog, her hiking with her dog, and of course, the mountain she hiked, all alone in its glory.

Bonnie will describe herself as an intellectual that is down to earth.  She is looking for someone that will love her with or without make up, preferably without, someone that she can have coffee with, drink Pinot Grigio with, is kind to her dog, and will love spending time with her friends and family.

They couldn’t be any further a part.  Yet, so very similar.

Once they complete their profiles, they submit.

Then, all hell breaks loose.

Vinny will go on a Safari like Rainbow Randolph in Death to Smoochy!

Vinnies hunt consists of him:Finding any and all ladies on there that attract him.  Not paying one bit of attention to what they’ve written, where they are and what they do.  All he looks at are the pics, and when he’s done, he’s liked all their photos, winked at all their profiles, and sent an obscene amount of emails. All with the elegant prose of:

“Hey, wanna hook up?” Written underneath a pic of his dick.  While in his IROC.

His reward: Endless notifications from fictitious profiles from “girls” that look like they are supermodels, have zero standards in their “Wants/Looking For” and magically live in this town where the hottest girl in town IS the hottest girl in town because she has more than 9 teeth.  I’m from Vermont, so I have some expertise on that. All providing their email in their profile that looks like: merta@gamaledotcom

Meanwhile, theirs Bonnie. She hits submit, and before she even has the opportunity to go “shopping” for the man of her dreams…

Her reward: Endless notifications from every man imaginable that likes all of her photos, winks, and endless emails with the elegant prose of:

“Hey, wanna hookup?”

And if she doesn’t respond to guys like Vinny, Vinny calls her a cunt and hopes she dies in hell.  Nice huh? And that of course is written underneath a pic of his dick, while in his IROC.

Before she has an opportunity to have an opportunity, she is already contemplating whether or not this has been the biggest mistake of her life.

With that, I give you my online dating do’s…Oh, and before I begin, you may be wondering what gives me the credibility to be your “Online Dating Guru”?

Well, please note what a parable is, and see if the stories above may seem somewhat insightful.

And no, I don’t own an IROC…

With that:

DO’S

Be yourself.  Seriously, not everyone is comfortable about writing about themselves.  And I get that. I have no problem with it per se, however, I understand there is a comfort level in it.  Seriously, you’re on an online dating site, whoring yourself out to the most eligible bachelor or bachelorette.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you’re not all that confident with yourself if you are doing this.

So, if you’re uncomfortable about writing about yourself, don’t. Write about who you want to meet and what you want.  And if that is too had for you, then what the fuck are you doing?!? You don’t know who you are, or what you want.  My suggestion then, go find some porn and take care of business until you figure that shit out.

Why?

We don’t go on a road trip without knowing where we want to go do we? Sometimes people like to go for a drive. But they know who they are and why they are doing it.  And typically that is in an effort to “clear your head”. Well, you subjecting yourself to this world is in hopes of finding love…right? Or get laid.  Again, if that is the case, you have some standards now don’t you? And if you don’t please refer to the porn comment a paragraph ago. Point being, if you don’t know who you are, or what you want, then you will suffer immeasurable pain.  You will be treated like shit but some piece of shit that is just like you. You will come across serial daters…

Spac Profile Pic

That are just as lost as you, and will tell you all the things you want to hear in an effort to make themselves feel better. Which of course it won’t do.  So, what do they do? They take you for granted, take advantage of you, and walk away like you never existed.  All after they made you feel like the greatest thing on earth since Blue Raspberry Airheads.

Insecurity has always been an issue of mine. Until this past week.
THANKS TONY ROBBINS!

Tony-Robbins

And when you’re insecure, you lack the confidence to be present with a woman you find attractive. To go engage them.  Instead, with online dating, you have all these “likes, winks, then emails.”  What ends up happening? You’re expectations grow to imaginable levels and they lady or man you meet doesn’t stand a Pint of Halo Top ice cream chance in hell.  This leads me to the next point:

Don’ts

Don’t fucking do it.  Don’t go online to date. Imagine this, you meet someone online, you engage them, they like you, and you like them, then you meet, then you realize they suck, then what?

Next!

Why can’t it be like that with someone you meet at the grocery store, the gym, through a friend, through fucking Facebook?  At least on Facebook you can see all the photos they DON’T post on an online dating site.  Seriously! I’ve gone out with girls that had their profile pic on Match.com be a photo taken back in 2008!  Do you think she looks a little different in the fucking decade since?

 

Moral of the story.  Please believe in yourself.  Who you see in the mirror may be beautiful to a stranger.  Christ, we all get tired of certain people in our lives, seeing them day after day after day. So you can bet your sweet ass that your perspective may be a little skewed  when you see yourself.

To you, you may look nothing but ugly.

To another, you may be the most exquisite thing they’ve ever seen.

Good luck!

-k

 

Please feel free to subscribe to be notified of my next blog postings. And if you’d like to reach me, email me at: kth08250@gmail.com

Advertisements

My Date (not online) With Destiny (not a stripper)!

Due to a severe sleep deprivation, (severe is a little dramatic, but you’re reading a story about a guy’s self-help experience, so you know…) due to arctic like conditions that caused a contingency from Russia, fucking Russia, to dress head to toe in winter clothing, due to the first real nutrition I’ve consumed is in the form of a Jamba Juice smoothie at the Baltimore airport, due to feeling like I’m toeing the high wire hovering above full blown sickness from the aforementioned lack of sleep, frigid conditions, and diet, and due to the fact I really miss my girlfriend:

This may be a little “scattered”.

Oh and I forgot to mention something; due to the fact I just spent six days and six nights at “Emotional Boot camp” where my mind, body, and spirit were broken down in ways I didn’t know existed. I again may be a little all over the place.

For the past five days I was journaling experiences with great ambiguity out of respect to those I came across…Out of respect to those I came across…We’ll get back to “those” momentarily, but first a little exposition.

Last November I attended my first and only other Tony Robbins Live Event/Seminar. It is the highly affordable and highly motivating Unleash the Power Within. If you’d like to read about my experiences there, you can do so by searching previous blog posts.  You know, the ones before I wrote about my online dating exploits.

Spac Profile Pic

When it was all said and done, the primary theme, for me, was we’re not alone. You’re not the only one that thinks that  you’re going crazy because you can’t stop thinking about this. You’re not the only one that feels so alone while experiencing that. And more than anything, you’re not the only one that wonders if this is all your life is ever going to be.

And the other thing about Unleash The Power Within, or UPW as us Robbins fans refer to it as, it’s an adrenaline shot to the spine that lasts a solid couple months. I mean for fucks sake, I was asked if I wanted to interview for a promotion the day after I got back to a job I was intensely contemplating whether or not I should submit my resignation.

Truthfully, when I got back from UPW, you could of dared me to dry hump a radio tower 150 feet in the air while wearing a leopard print thong and I would of said:

“YES!” Made my “move” and started the climb like a 5’6, not quite as hairy, King Kong.  Little Tony Robbins inside humor there.

So, with that, lets get to West Palm Beach.

Date With Destiny was introduced to not only the masses, but myself via the vehicle of Netflix. In the opening scene, we are introduced to the presence that is Tony Robbins.  The same guy that flashed a huge tooth smile with his massive cranium and his hair super glued in it’s part, hour after hour, after hour, after hour every morning and every night in the form of an informercial.  An informercial that used to drive me nuts when it came on at 4am because I was just about to “get off” while watching the latest Girls Gone Wild spot.

Why 4am?

Yet, when the “This is a Presentation of Guthy Renker” credit appeared, followed by this guy telling me how I could not only get wealthy, but live an amazing life like 3 time Pro Football Hall of Famer Fran Tarkenton; I had no idea how much he cared.

Tony-Robbins

I had no fucking clue that this guy cared, genuinely cared that much for his fellow man and woman. No clue. Not one goddamn clue. But there he was, telling this European with Red Shoes (Not Red Shoe Diaries, another thing I used to watch at 4am while…you know) how so many of us think our life is worthless because we had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year. Yet, don’t realize how much we could accomplish in a decade.

That was the moment he got me.

This was followed up by me Googling how much it would cost me to go to Date with Destiny.  Then I was backhanded harder than tennis ball hit by Andre Agassi with the thought:

“Holy fuck this is expensive!”

Then, well, then I went to the more affordable UPW.

And after UPW was done, after the willingness to fuck a radio tower, after the job promotion, I instantly signed up for the Super Bowl of self-help, Date with Destiny.

And I almost fucked it all up.

Why? Because I’m an easily influenced douchebag when the one doing the influencing possesses an exquisite ass.

How? By calling my rep at the Tony Robbins Institute and requesting a refund.

She tried to talk me out of it, but I fought back.

“It’s too much money.”

“I want to use to go on a vacation with this girl I just stared to date.”

“Because I’m in love.”

Well, when you sign up for events of this nominal value and high demand, they make you sign a pretty ironclad contract.

But, when I freak out, I freak the fuck out.

Clearly I didn’t need to go to something to strengthen my emotional state.

So, my rep looked into it…

Good thing it took a bit, because, well, the girl, the girl I was so in love with, broke up with me a week later.  Because she:

“Wasn’t feeling it…”

Peace bitch and your amazing ass.

I instantly called my rep and cancelled my request for refund.

Thank, God!

Little did I know WHY she broke things off with me. However, I was just secured my seat to find out exactly why!

When I arrived in West Palm, I wasn’t ready. Not even close.

When I landed in San Jose for UPW, I was taken to the hotel, dropped my bags off and then went straight to the event.  So there was ZERO down time. There was zero time for me to think about what I was about to do.   And what was I thinking?

I didn’t want to be there.  I was scared, legitimately scared. I barely slept that night.  Little did I know it would be the last “good night of sleep”  that I was going to for the next 6 nights.

Definition of good night of sleep during a Tony Robbins Event: More than 5 hours.

Some would define good night of sleep as being no less than 7 or 8. But, this was a perfect metaphor for changing our definitions in life. And that’s one, not the primary, but one major theme I walked away with: Change your definitions.

What was the primary theme?

Well, when we registered we received a color and a number on our name tag. The opening night, we sat with our color.  The girl next to me, a beautiful young redhead was P-4. P stood for Purple.  And of course my mind raced as to why I was given the color purple.  What, did they think I was gay? Feminine? A pussy? At least it wasn’t Pink…

Mr. Pink

For those that don’t know, we had to fill out a bunch of paper work prior to the event.  This will be relevant momentarily.

I was P-1. The seat next to her, well, after we switched, was a lady from Mexicali, Mexico that was forced to go by her husband of two years in an effort to save their marriage. And yeah, her English, not so much. Which is kind of critical when you’re told to share with the stranger sitting next to you. So her and I swapped because there was a beautiful young woman that sat two seats down from me that not only spoke Spanish, she too was a P-1.

Little did I know who she was.

Little did she know who I was.

Little did either of us know what God had planned for us.

Author’s Note: You’ve heard me refer to God multiple times, and I will continue to do so.  Now, my faith is my faith, and I don’t care what yours is. I will simply say this, when we have something such as a God to believe in, then we can believe in ourselves, now can’t we? I’m a Catholic out of respect to those that I loved that are no longer here.  However, I could eviscerate the Catholic Church. No, not because there are priests from the same gene pool as Jerry Sandusky. But because, well, those reasons belong to me, just like my faith…See what I did there? 

Anyway, yeah, that night, that night we got separated into teams of 50 to 60 people. And that was the moment a man, an older man put his arm around me and told me that I was in the right place.

“Keith, do you know who Jeff Arch is?”

“No creepy old man with your arm around me at 2am.”

“Well, he wrote Sleepless in Seattle after his Date with Destiny.  You’re in the right place.”

He was my trainer Randy. And I adored that moment and I adore that man. And he obviously read the aforementioned material.

He informed us that we were “Team Phoenix” and wanted us to find a “buddy” to partner up with. I looked around and well, yeah, I’m a dude. Of course I wanted an attractive female partner.  It’s just my feminine energy that has long been radiating through me.  For those that don’t know me: My mom is a magnificent woman that taught me two things: 1) Work ethic and 2) How to shop.

And my desperation was permeating through my pours.  Until a smile, a beautiful smile looked at me. It was the aforementioned woman that sat two seats down from me.
This young woman was 30, from Ecuador, spoke perfect English, and was about to become one of the most important people I’ve ever met in my life.

20171210_130233.jpg

The days and nights that followed were filled with much laughter, many tears, and the occasional being spat on by Tony as he “intervened” with a woman that caused us to, well, lets just say be our “Away Value of Frustration.”

20171206_175404.jpg

We witnessed couple find love, we witnessed suicidal people find the miracle in tomorrow, and we witnessed the person in the mirror change from a person who’s reflection we despised to a person we wanted to kiss.

We even witnessed the man, the warrior in us, kill the coward that didn’t want to come there.

 

For all of this and so much more, I thank you Tony Robbins for wanting to serve people like me.

Thank you for having an event that introduced me to stories that inspired me like a young black man that left a life of crime by selling everything he had to attend in efforts to change his life.

Thank you for having this “emotional boot camp” just to break me down so you could build me back up into a man I forgot I was. And the man I aspired to be.

And thank you for having an event that introduced me to a woman that was the perfect partner for 6 days and 6 nights that helped me discover the solutions to the problems that only existed in my head. All the while helping her discover that she IS strong enough for the life she chooses to live.

While UPW motivated and showed us we’re not alone.  DWD (Not Down With Disease for you Phish fans) introduced me to the pure love humanity has to offer. It offered connections to the inspired and it offered connections to the inspiring. It is the Grad school for the dreamers that are willing to work for the dreams they covet.

Date with Destiny brought me to the place I’ve been dying to see:

A little place called Hope.

And that my friends, was the primary theme.

Mark Twain once said, “I’ve seen a lot of problems and only a fraction of them actually happened.”

Clearly he went to Date with Destiny.

And go fuck yourself if you come at me with, “You know Keith, Mark Twain lived in…”

Ya douche, I know….Way to kill the fucking moment.

-k

 

 

Date with Destiny: Day Five

For the first time, I going to acknowledge something…My juxtaposition of my blog and the actual seminar is a day off. Today was only day 4.  But that doesn’t matter to you, and nor it should.  What should matter is the fact that I spent all this money, traveled all this way, am getting no sleep while freezing my ass off and have eaten more nuts, more protein bars, and had to take more pisses than any normal being should ever have to do…

But who the fuck wants to be “normal” anyway?

By the way, I’m writing this at 2:19AM and why? Because I’m jacked to the tits after what I experienced.

 

Day Four Recap

What I mentioned earlier about the whole protein, pissing, nuts, etc. are what are consistent themes throughout this program, but there is one more: I have met some magnificently marvelous people.

Today was no different.

Now, this a six day seminar, so what does that mean? At some point there is going to be a sales pitch, and today was that day. I wont go into great detail, but lets just say, they’re damn good at it. 

After that, we took the plunge into the deep end of the pool, and this pool is one where, historically,  I struggle to keep my head above water. 

With that being said, what we experienced, and I can only speak from a mens perspective,  was a little,  lets say, tedious, yet enlightening.

For you see, I shared a group with two beautiful women and a young man. To hear their points of view about love, about companionship,  about partnership, was nothing short of an epiphany for me. 

Why? 

I flly found out why every relationship Ive had ended like the goddamn Hindenburg. 

Would you like to know why many, not all, relationships fail? 

Of course you would. 

Ya, Im not going to say much other than…And this is for those that were there, while the rest of you will make false assumptions.

 

-k

Date with Destiny: Day Four

First things first, if I never eat another protein bar again, Id be quite alright with that. 

Aside from the number I brought with me, the they’ve been providing at least one a day as a snack as well. 

And this doesnt take into account how gassy they male some people. Definitely not this guy though………..

Imagine this, youre in a meditation (spoiler, this event does have a little to do with spirituality) and you feel this bubble slowly appear but rapidly grow in your belly. And at this exact moment you smell someone else that shared this same experience, but unlike you, they let go of their “problem”. 

See what I did there?

Day 3 Recap

From the Shaman to the Taxman to the salesman, many came because of the documentary “I Am Not Your Guru”.

The opening scene dealt with a suicidal man. Today was the day we witnessed those precious few that no longer see tomorrow as an option.

I won’t go into detail because, well, this isnt about me and nor do you deserve to be “entertained” by their suffering.  

Unfortunately, some were, and you could tell. 

I will say, the variety of those who spoke was heartwrenching, heartwarming, and enlightening.

I witnessed miracles yesterday. 

And they were beautiful. 

Some of you saw me post this on the Facebook:

This IS joy. 

What can I say, when you play Sweet Child O Mine,  Thunderstruck, and Whole Lotta Love, well,  the little hippie boy that only looked forward to seeing Phish every year comes alive.  

And even though that long haired, hemp Mr. T lived in a fog the majority of his days…Music made his life seem abundant and full.

We all despise segments of our lives. Trust me, my life is full of characters and personas.

But each one of those brought specific lessons about life with them. 

Im realizing this now. 

Im also realizing how I can operate on 5 hours of sleep. 

Yesterday was only 13 hours long.

But at least the turned up the goddamn heat! 

Either that, or Im getting used to that too. 

-k

Date with Destiny: Day 3

Raise of hands, how many guys found themselves wanting to “rub one out” when an impromptu lesbian moment happened during an episode of Jerry Springer?

Ya, THAT didnt happen. But it was the moment I desperately wanted to attend a show of that nature. 

And yesterday, I got a front row seat….literally.
 Day 2 Recap 

I dont know how many of you know this, but I like to tell stories. It’s true, it’s true.

Well, a theme during over the course of thus almost 16 hour day in artic conditions (we started at 10:30AM anr ended at just past 2AM. The temps were so cold that a contingency from fucking Russia were wearing 3 layers and were still cold!) A theme was changing your story.

What was your life story?

Was it a comedy?

Was it drama? 

Was it horror? 

And I fucking loved and hated it. The writer in me was in me was in heaven. While the human in me was in hell. 

I raised my hand to share and Tony, who could play Fezek in the remake of A Princess Bride, was right there. I was shaking…He pointed and picked…Not me. Instead,  and thank god, he picked this woman we will call CJ. (She called herself that, and it was comical at best)

What happened next was the a World War intevention of someone that continuously plays the “victim card” for attention. What we in the Tony Robbins world call significance.

Back and forth they went, all only feet away from me.

Tony kept standing right next to me. I got yelled at, sorta for taking pics. Justifiably so. 

I’ll just say this , Tonys spit landed on me a solid half a dozen times. Some fucking freaks probably consider that a baptism. I was pretty grossed out. But whatever.

Needless to say this was a car crashing into a train. 

It was awkward, uncomfortable, tragic and the mob was getting angry.

This woman wanted so much attention it was absurdly disturbing yet enlightening. 

We all know people like this, and for an hour,  we saw them all get called out.

And CJ was the sacrificial lamb. 

Then, then came her antithesis. She was brought over to my section again and there I sat as a camera crew (cameras are all throughout the hall) Tony, this young lady from Serbia, and CJ. 

ALL RIGHT THERE IN MY LAP!

Needless to say, CJ didn’t learn her lesson. At least not at that moment. 

The day finally ended at just past 2AM. 

And here I am, in line, waiting to get in only 8 hours after. 

Im so tired. So goddamn tired. 

This is much harder than I anticipated. 

Im at a point where I dont know what to expect anymore.

-k

Date with Destiny: Day 2

Day 1 Recap:

There were many of a thing my friends that I wrote as I awaited the “Grand Entry” of our M.C, and I’d like to share that with you now:

Coming in,  like a mass of cattle dying for inspiration. 

Some, some may be here because it looks like something cool to do.
Some may be here because they are looking to save their marriage. 
Some may be here looking to save their lives.
Some may be here looking to create a change in their lives.
I am here because my life is not where it should be. Because I REFUSE to grow old and think to myself, “what if”. 
I am here because my life is too complicated to simply be simple.
I am here because I demand that I fulfill everything that this one life I have is realized. 
I am here because I need to try. I must try. 
In the hall, we waited not asking why they are here. 
In the hall, we waited knowing why.
We are all searching for purpose.
Or we have our purpose and we are trying to realize it.
To fulfill our destiny
I feel like I should do two snaps of my fingers like a poet in some goddamn cafe in San Francisco after reading that.
One thing I didn’t write, by my cynicism wouldn’t let go of was, is this only for those that have the means (financial) to create change in their lives?
I mean, I don’t see the Mexican on a work visa that spends half his day shoveling shit and the other half doing dishes here.  Granted, it may be because this douche closed El Mexicano down in Hudson Falls. (Still bitter)
trump
But I couldn’t concern myself with that, for you see, I’d been up since 4:30AM, got there at 9:30AM and didn’t leave until 1:30AM.
It was a day full of joy, laughter, tears, thought, anger, and pretty much every and any emotion a human goes through. Well except for those that spend the majority of their day searching for answers while never asking a goddamn question.
fat woman with tattoos
We all bore witness (you bet your ass I had to google if that was the correct tense) to a woman break out of her suicidal shell and dance like a stripper that didn’t care. And it was awesome.  A couple give a chance to having a child when it petrified the potential patriarch to death.  Lotta P’s popping there.
And lastly, witnessed secrets being shared anonymously that would frighten Stephen King.
Then, well, then, after 13 fucking hours in 50-degree temperatures (there was a guy in line that mentioned how he “heard” they keep the room at 10 degrees and I almost jumped down his throat for being such a fucking moron.  Then, well, he was from London, so, you know, I was the fucking American asshole that didn’t get he meant Celsius.)…After 13 hours of jumping on a strained iliopsoas, and after 13 hours of losing my voice to the point of sounding like Kathleen Turner.
Then, well, an old man puts his arm around me as I was getting into my group for the remainder of the week, and says:
“Keith..”
Little weird, but I was wearing a name tag, so…
“Do you know who Jeff Arch is?”
“Should I?” I said back with no display of charm or patience. I was cold, tired, and and older guy just wrapped his arm around me..,so…
“He wrote, “Sleepless In Seattle” after coming to Date with Destiny.  You’re in the right place.” Then she scruffed my hair like only an older man can…
Turns out he’s my group leader.
I don’t know if he’s going to read this, but, that was an awfully nice thing he did…
Day 2, here I go…on 4 hours of fucking sleep mind you!
-k

Date With Destiny: Day One

The Morning Before:

So, ya, Tony Robbins last night wasn’t necessarily the first or twentieth subject of my dreams I was expecting. But there I was last night, tossing and turning in my Double Tree Hilton queen sized bed…

Authors note: They, Double Tree Hilton, are the ones that give you a cookie when you check-in.  Holy goddamn shit are they good!  She gave me two, because, well you know:

Spac Profile Pic

Anyway, ya, there I was, and there was this big toothed, big-headed “guru” punching me in the chin in an “atta boy” manner:

Tony-Robbins

Which I, in turn, quipped, within the dream:
“Your fist is the size of my face.”

Needless to say, my subconscious was preparing itself.  Needless to say, my conscience had not a godforsaken clue what the hell was going on except why the hell is the air conditioning ALWAYS on in a hotel?

I, of course, did what we all do when we wake, grab my phone…

I got up at my usual start time of about 4:30AM and had an unexpected couple of moments.  The first came from a previous employer during my, less than savory past.

He commented on my blog I posted last night about my state of mind going into today.

If you’re reading this, that was a hell of a thing you said, thank you.

Almost as unexpected as that was a text only a few minutes later from my “pretty much girlfriend.” I thought my early morning anxiety was rubbing off on her, hence the 4:35AM text.  Not so much.  She was going to the gym (love it!) because she had to get her car worked on and had to get her workout in. (Really love it!)

Finally, after trying to convince myself that I’m on vacation, which I technically am, I’m allowed to sleep in.

Not so much. I have this problem with sitting still.

When I finally arose, I made my way over to the desk where my computer sat, waiting.  It shared it’s resting place with my three varieties of powder (Green, white, and yellow.  Please refer to the previous post). Though I am neurotic from time to time with my cleanliness, I am also a complete goddamn mess.  That explains why my desk looked like it was ravaged by Hunter S. Thompson on an all-night supplement binge.  Swear to god, the combination of green, white and neon yellow creates this unique color of drug that only a hippie at an orgy would appreciate.  I have no clue what that means, but I will leave it there because, for some reason, I like it.

Nonetheless, I created more of a mess by getting myself prepped for my morning workout.

It’s 6am and I’m in the gym making a fool of myself trying to get acclimated to my new surroundings.   In walks a woman, she nods and goes to the treadmill.  In walks another woman, she nods and goes to the elliptical.  I too am on an elliptical, because my “iliopsoas” fucking sucks and I can’t run or do jackshit with my left leg other than a fucking elliptical!  Can you tell I’m bitter? Even more than usual?

We all shared something in common though, these wristbands for the event they put on us last night at registration.

Have you ever been to a fitness class, sporting event, or anything where before you do it, no one really talks to each other? Like you’re trying to get mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared for what is about to take place?  For some it’s meditating, for some, it’s getting muckled drunk, and for some, it’s listening to Phish wishing you brought some weed with you on your voyage.

Hippie Keith

But when it’s over, the team wins, the class is finished, or you’re done listening to the 45-minute version of a song; you all are best friends because you just shared a mutual experience.

This is the calm before the storm.  As tomorrow morning, things will be VERY different.  And it’s not just because we all are trying to work off those delicious fucking cookies that I swear were the ones that the Oracle gave to Neo in “The Matrix”.

It’s because we’re all about to share something so profound, that…well…

To be continued…

-k