So, how many of you that follow me on Facebook are sick of seeing: “Keith Hannigan Posted a “Map My Ride” workout? He biked an absurd amount of miles. He burned I don’t give a shit number of calories, and he spent the amount of time I enjoyed a full episode of House of Cards while he was sweating like A-Rod during a urine test. .
Yeah, me too. What can I say though, I feel good, really, really good. And yes, I do get either coupons or points from Map My Ride when I post my workouts. Hence all the posts. Plus I want you all to feel lazy.
I can’t wait til someone comes out with “Map My Ass”. Keith watched two episodes of Shark Tank, he consumed 643 calories, and he didn’t move for 1 hour and 28 minutes watching it. You know, because I got DVR. WINNING!
The point of this, you’re welcome, is because I want to help. I really want to help. Too many people that I know, that I care about, struggle with their weight and what it does to them emotionally. If you know me, you know, well, you know I have some expertise in this area. If you don’t know me, I just posted a picture of Charlie Sheen, if you find me untrustworthy, well I can’t help you.
Being a fat kid is something I will always struggle with. Plain and simple. Anybody that was a fat kid, knows exactly what I’m talking about. Those skinny little pricks that were both my friend and still the ones to call me fat…I know you’re fat now, trust me, I do. It’s called Google.
About 5 years ago, I was engaged and trying to figure out how to work out again, this time, without a gym membership. I have a love/hate relationship with the gym. I love watching girls workout wearing yoga pants, but meanwhile I’m next to one of the cast from Jersey Shore wearing way too much Drakkar Noir and screams like Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in “When Harry Met Sally” every time he chest presses 20lbs.
But the gym wasn’t going to work for me because I was living in Selkirk, NY and if you don’t know where Selkirk is, don’t worry, neither do the residents of Selkirk. One day on my hour and a half, one way commute, I was listening to ESPN Radio; which you couldn’t get me to do again these days even if you promised me a sex tape between Heidi Klum and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen. You’re welcome for that image. And no, there isn’t any picture of the two of them together. But here is a sweet one of Kelly Kapowski for you!
Anyway, while listening to either the fat, dumb, jock and the whiny Jew or the Howard Cossel wannabe except, well, without talent, they were doing what is referred to as “Live Reads” for P90x. Live Reads are those moments when the actual talent, whether they have it or not in this case, talk about a product. Now, some of these are called testimonials. A testimonial is when the talent not only reads about the product, but claims to have used the product. Think Tim Philbin, if you have to, I love Tim, in the Rutland, VT. Market talking about Hartes Flooring (God bless, my friend) as a local example. Or Howard Stern and the Squatty Potty nationally. I have one and I swear by the damn thing! Every one thinks it’s a stool. Like I need a stool for anything! (I’m not tall). But little do they know, it is for my stool…
Well, on ESPN there were talking about how great p90x was. I had no damn clue as to what this P90x was. It sounded like something the kids were taking at a Phish show.
“Did you hear that jam in Reba while low balling on the P 9 to the zero x file brotherman?”
“Nahman, I was rolling on bath salts eating this dready dude that asked me for a miracle. So I totally chomped his ass! Was it sick?”
“Totally brah, Trey was killing it”
It wasn’t that. P90X is this 90 day extreme workout that you’ve all seen the infomercials for. It sucks. In a good way. And I got hooked. Then I did Insanity and wanted to cry. I can’t tell you how many disgusting things I would allow to be done to me by this guy than do Insanity again.
But I got hook, line and sinkered into the Team Beachbody world. And for the past 4 years I’ve been a Team Beachbody Coach. No, I’m not going to post any shirtless selfies, but I can private message them to you, if you’d like. (WINK) It will be so much more naughty that way. Anywho…
Being a Team Beachbody Coach for the past 4 years has been pretty sick. I get a kick ass discount on Shakeology, supplements, and any program I purchase. You can even stream the workouts and if you do, you will have access to workouts that aren’t available on DVD.
Now for total transparency, yes, I do get paid if I sell a product to you, but this really isn’t about that. Of course it’s a perk, but I have a good job, I don’t necessarily need the extra money, and I won’t be quitting my job anytime soon. Or will I?
Here is the thing though, there is this funny word called fulfillment. And let me tell you about it.
Fulfillment comes from helping someone that needs your help. And if you have the opportunity, the desire, and more than anything, the experience to help someone; why the fuck wouldn’t you do it?
So here I am. Telling you that I’m currently 50 pounds lighter than my highest weight. I’ve kept the mass majority off since and I have a consistent routine that obviously works. I’m not going to go into my full routine, but lets just say, you guys are pretty sick of seeing one aspect of it. (For those that don’t know me, I post my aforementioned bike rides almost daily) But I do get one Team Beachbody workout in at least 6 days a week. Currently it’s the Hammer and Chisel. Google Autumn Calabrese. Male, female, transgender, it doesn’t matter, you will Google all over yourself when you do. But the first part of my day is really simple and the first tip is free. And when I say free, I don’t mean like I’m going to NOT charge you for this. I’m an idiot if I were to insinuate that. I mean this doesn’t actually cost anything for you to do. You ready?
Go for a walk first thing in the morning. I know many of you have young little ones, and it’s quite difficult to find the time to do anything without them. But, if you do and you’re married, then take turns watching them. One morning you get the kids ready while she goes for a walk, and the next morning she watches them. Maybe it’s something both of you can do as a couple or competitors. If and when you get the chance to walk together, you can see who is doing the “Pissed off power walking lady face”, with her arms at perfect 90-degree angle, squeezing her glutes with every step. Or if one of you is just going down to the corner and back really friggin slow to pretend they walked. Meanwhile, they are the ones that come back in a flop sweat. Hmmm…
For me, I eat breakfast before. Few eggs. Yogurt. Fruit. Or this kick-ass protein infused, whole grain pancakes I saw on Shark Tank called Kodiak Cakes.They sell them at Hannaford. Variety is the best thing for your body so it doesn’t plateau. Plus, who the hell enjoys eating the same thing for breakfast everyday? This is your life, not prison! Also, before you go, drink a big tall glass of water. Your body is dehydrated when you wake up, so refuel it! The glass of water will also help get your insides going. You may want to wait until your insides are gone before going on said walk though, if you know what I’m saying. And for those of you that struggle with that, a glass of water really helps. But be sure to drink one when you get back too. You will pee all day long and will start to lose that excess water weight you have on you. Now don’t go and be a douche and eff this whole thing up by the way by getting a Peppermint Mocha Latte from Starbucks. Even though those things would be my beverage of choice if I was on Death Row. But for those of you that think you’re caffeine habit is getting a little out of hand. You know, if you’re the type that is ready to slaughter a small village when you first wake up until the moment you have that sip of Foldgers; You’ll be astonished when you discover that one thing we can do, that doesn’t cost a dime, will wake you up and have you feeling better than any double espresso, cappuccino: Breathing. Yes breathing. Funny things happen when you get oxygen to your brain. It actually starts to work.
Breath work is a novel idea and will segue nicely into the last reason I’m “making you” read this. (Even though we both know that you got hooked right away and are enjoying it)
Do any of you know what the hell that word even means? Well, I’ll help you.
I know my fair share, and I was completely one of them, arrogant douches because I worked out. Then, I not only discovered yoga, but I also discovered meditation. Your image of me is changing right now, I know. And it’s great! Brother Dweeb or Hippie Keith is coming back, but this time, with abs! Namaste bitches!
My interest in this aspect of our species is truly my favorite. Emotions are crazy. Absolutely crazy. Seriously, my mind won’t shut the fuck up for one second! It’s exceptional but, come on. It’s like having a neighbor with a garage band that is really good, but by the time it’s midnight and they are practicing “Whole Lotta Love” for the 9th time, it gets a little tiresome.
Breathing though cures almost everything emotionally. It’s like that bottle disinfectant that kills 99.9% of germs. You just want to know; What the hell is that .01% and why won’t it die? Like a friend of mine said once, that .01% is what causes the Walking Dead.
But whether it be: Anger, stress, anxiety, frustration, resentment, hostility, and so on, just breathe. It helps. Trust me! But if you’re medicating because you are one of those that suffers deeply from depression, there are alternatives. I really suggest this book:
And these tips have been brought to you by Coach Keithitup.
With all of that being said, here are the links to my Team Beachbody Website, My Shakeology Website, and my Ultimate Reset website*. If you don’t have time to exercise, and want to lose 20lbs while devoloping the best eating habits of your life, trust me, I do the reset once a year to give my body a break from working out.
Feel free to contact me anyway you choose. You can email me directly at (do I put an @ symbol there? Is writing symbol after writing a symbol redundant? It feels like it)
And thanks for playing…
*I noticed after I wrote this that they don’t have an Ultimate Reset website any longer for Coaches. Essentially, it is a 21 day clean eating, and supplement based detox. When I’m done with those 21 days, I’m leaner, I feel emotionally better, and I just feel well overall. I highly recommend it!