Tag Archives: Self Help

When did Mass get militant?

I go to Church.  Yes, every Sunday.  I pray, I sit, I stand, I kneel, I shake hands, I sing, I even receive communion if you can believe that.  Why?

Because I am God.

On occasion, I will see some of my “Ultra-liberal” friends-Being a retired Phish follower, you tend to have a few of those-Post on Facebook a link to either a video or an article, sometimes a very unoriginal meme slamming religion.  And that’s okay.

For you see, from what I gathered over my 13 years in the Catholic School system, is that God loves us all,  God is within all of us because we are the children of God, which means I should love everyone because they are God,  which equals I am God.

I just went all six degrees of Kevin Bacon and shit on you.  Didn’t know what the fuck to do, did ya?

Faith is a muscle that we need to use or it will develop atrophy.  I don’t believe that simply because I have a faith.  I do get how one may come to that conclusion.  I believe it though because I bared witness to it.

Effort is not lacking by this little guy in South Glens Falls.  It’s not hubris, it’s just fact.  I bust my ass when focused on the things that I covet, desire, or flat out want.  What I lack is a faith.  Faith in those that surround me will not be detrimental to my process.  Faith that I won’t have a moment of sabotage, or paranoia that a letter will come in the mail that will cripple me financially.  Faith in myself and the resilience I possess, the resourcefulness that I take for granted, these will not permit me to completely fail.

I just didn’t have faith.

So, what did I do?  I figured that if I could have a Faith in God, than I could easily have a Faith in myself, right?  I mean, I can look into the mirror and see me.  If I pray that I possess the ability to do something, I say, “Self, let’s do something.”  As opposed to praying to something that I have a greater hope for, than maybe anything, that this deity exists.

And trust me, my faith, doesn’t even scratch the service of those that hope for that more than their next breath.  My source, an 89-year-old, Sicilian/Italian, Roman-Catholic Grandmother.

Imagine if we put that amount of hope, prayer, and emotional trust in ourselves, what we could accomplish? Achieve?  Fulfill?

Think about that. Instead, we blame others, our parents, our past which equals our future, we even blame ourselves.  Yet, we pray to God, that God make it better, as opposed to us praying to ourselves that WE make this better.

Yet today during the Homily at Mass, it felt hostile.  Making reference to prayer being taken out of public schools.  Having a more sensitive society out of fear of offending.  We’re allowing an emotion to dictate what we say.  That is why we are so afraid today more than ever, when we really don’t have that much to be afraid of.  Yet, we’re told that we should be and we believe it.

My fear is debt.  There 100’s of millions afraid where they can find their next meal or clean drinking water, and I’m worried about having debt into my 50’s.  Think about what you’re afraid of, and ask; Can I change that?  What do I have to do to change that?  Why is it easier for me to be afraid than taking the necessary actions to change it?

“Easy for you to say Keith, you don’t have children and I have to worry about their lives.”

I’m not saying don’t worry about them, but have trust, have faith, that you will provide them everything they will ever need to be prepared to have a love filled, fulfilling life!

They learn it from you.  You might as well start believing it.  And don’t compare it to the way you were raised.  You are your own person!  Knock that shit off.  Thank the parent for what you are!  And be thankful for what you aren’t! Give that gift to your child. Not to mention, you live in Vermont, or wherever you live, I don’t think you’re any imminent danger.

We’re smarter as a society, we just got scared.  Maybe if we invested more into having a faith, maybe, just maybe we wouldn’t be so afraid to put ourselves out there and make an everlasting change.

Have faith in God, because you are God.

Not A god.  Let’s get that perfectly clear.  You’re not David Koresh

 

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Make Your Move and Shake Your Ass: My Four Days with Tony. Tomorrow.

“I am not a product of my circumstances,  I am a product of my decisions”

-Stephen Covey

I hopefully will never know the feeling of being incarcerated for any extended length of time and then being “freed” into the masses.  Even though, there has been the occasion where I thought:

“You know, other than avoiding rape and get shanked; You get fed, workout, read, sleep.  No bills to stress over, no relationships to deal with. Well, unless of course, you’re somebodies bitch.  And let’s just call it like it is; I’m 5’6, 155lbs, and white.  I don’t know if they like lean little guys, but if so,  I’m a high draft pick.”

Point being, when you leave this world of nothing but positive, high octane, on Crack energy that you’ve come to absolutely adore and call home for the past four days and nights;  You’re not only coming back into the masses that is the hypersensitive year 2016 but, the masses that is still are wondering what the fuck?

trump

But you’re doing it with that chest bowed out like you have the tits of Sofia Vergara.

sofia-vergara-breast-implants

The President-Elect would say they are great because they’re the best.

Have you seen House of Cards?  There was this scene where Frank and his wife and their…If you’ve seen the show, you know where I’m going.  It was instantly followed by a hot and sexy as hell scene on the opposite end of the spectrum. Seeing the images of these two about felt like that.

 

Speaking of complete opposites, that is what it’s like to leave jail as compared to Tony Robbins, nonetheless, your apprehensions are possibly very similar.

How do you behave?

Should I talk all about it? Because God knows it’s all I want to do.

Do I book my next one?  I don’t want this feeling to go away and if I have another to look forward to, it will keep me positive knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Do I go full force after what I want?  Break out of my restrictions? Break out of my comfort zone and truly just say “fuck it”, let’s do this?

Fascinated by the mind of the entrepreneur.  The person that believes they are their own boss. Also making them ultimately responsible for whether they succeed or fail.  No one else.

That’s courage.

Many only give credit, and justifiably so, to those that put their lives on the line, literally, whether in the Military or Emergency Services.  However, the entrepreneur takes an economic gamble that could leave them on food stamps. But, it also creates the opportunity to provide them, and their family,  with fortunes beyond their beliefs.     Sounds like the lottery, ya?  You can’t win if you don’t play, right?  But here is the one thing that they can do that someone that plays the lottery can’t do:

Work harder, work smarter.  When you leave, are you motivated? Yes.  Are you inspired? Yes.  But, going to one of these things is like being exceptional at practice.  You could be a stud Mon-Fri.  But when it’s game day, if you shrink in the moment, well, what good are you.  Same to be said here.  I could have made peace with aspects of my past, created a plan for my future, and learned how to take action in my present to make it all a possibility. But if I went back to my old habits as soon as landed in NY?  I essentially went to a four-day music festival.

When you leave, you’re leaving an atmosphere that is totally devoted for those attending to not only be entertained but, changed!  Think about that.  Those in attendance, some paying thousands to do so.  Some flying 18 hours like a man I met from Amsterdam.  Some flying cross country and living off protein bars and salt and vinegar almonds.  What they all wanted to do was have the knowledge, the tools, and the courage to make a drastic change in their life.  All of us think that something is missing, that we are kind of looking for our purpose, our mission in life. But it’s this:

Is Curly waiting for you in the form of Tony Robbins to tell you just that?  In a way.  Since I don’t feel like bringing a herd of cattle to their slaughter to try to discover my true purpose; This has to do.  Essentially, what you find out is that you just have to let go.

Let go of a past that does not pre-determine your future.  Just because it’s your past doesn’t mean it’s your destiny.  Let go of the future that may or may not happen.  It’s life, ONE THING can happen in a heartbeat and it all will change forever.  It could be for the good, the great, or the catastrophic, but it doesn’t mean you have you live life that way.  It means you GET to live life that way.

The world is filled with  stories of cancer patients that wish they knew this was going to happen to them decades ago. Why?  The time they truly lived life, was when they found out they were going to die.

Remember that list of 7 areas of life? Physical Body, Finances, Career/work, Contribution, etc.  (I write etc. because I can’t remember the last two and am too lazy and too focused to get up and look)  When you leave UPW, you MUST figure out a way to go after the one you want the most.  For me, and even if you’re my colleague or client, you won’t be shocked when you read this, it’s my career.

So, did I take action when I got back? Essentially,  does Tony Robbins work?

In chronological order. 1) Set up an appointment to get my student film, oh look, here it is again!

 

Anyway, like I was saying, I had to get it prepared to be submitted to film festivals.  A process that took a lot more time and effort one would think, but a major step.

Second, I needed a coach.  We saw earlier how remarkably expensive the Robbins Research life coaches were.  Truthfully, I didn’t think I needed one.  What I wanted was someone in the profession of screenwriting.  My mother came through clutch on this.  She bought me the Screenwriters Bible by Dave Trottier for my most recent birthday. A moment that brought me to tears.  How this simple gesture showed that my mother believed in her son and his dream.  So, who did I contact to be my writing coach? Dave Trottier.  Had our session and it was spectacular.  Keep your eyes peeled for when I get nominated for an Oscar.

My mother obviously had to be thanked for that, right?

WRONG

She needed to be thanked for much more than that.  She needed to be thanked for all the sacrifices, all the chances she took, and everything she did, to the best of her knowledge, abilities. I put that woman through hell and back and though she hated me at moments, and I hated her, she never stopped loving me with every ounce of being. And I love that woman more than any woman on Earth.

And I also  had to thank my dad.

This phone call was slightly tougher.  It required the moment of:

Do your move: “YES!”

Say yes: “YES!

Say yes: “YES!!!”

And then I called.  I honestly don’t know if I did that before, but when we were done, I definitely wiped my feet and celebrated!

That call belongs to us.

The last thing I did, I wrote a six-part blog about the most personal thing I’ve ever been through.  I would have never done this prior to the event, and I thank you with all of my overjoyed heart for reading this!

I made the decision that I MUST do it, and then gained LEVERAGE by posting that I was going to write six of these.  It got a little tiresome, a little too deep, but at the time, it was all about the will to allow myself to be scrutinized.  Many don’t know that is probably the writers number one fear.  That people won’t like it.  You know what I think of that:

FUCK YOU!

Let’s see you fly cross country, get no sleep, walk on coals, have your tongue, stomach, and ass decimated by protein bars and almonds  Hug and massage Lou, cry like your a kid and someone just broke your Optimus Prime, dance to Hits Volume 112, talk to complete strangers about why dad didn’t love you enough, listen to people tell you why their dad didn’t love them enough, clap until your hands were bruised, worry about falling down a flight of concrete steps in front of thousands, lose your voice four days in a row that made you sound like a transvestite doing an impersonation of Demi Moore,  and then deal with Uber!  Then when you get back, you share all of this while annoying God knows how many on social media with your “look at me, look at me” posts.

And you know what?

If you walked through my door right now with a ticket to Unleash the Power Within North Korea, a plane ticket sitting bitch the entire way, a bag full of salt and vinegar almonds and said we have to leave right now  with only the clothes on your back.  I’d say:

I’ll drive!

 

Thank you all!

PS: I’ve also signed up with Date with Destiny in Florida, December 2017, and keep your eyes peeled for Unleash the Power Within, NEW YORK!  July 2017.

Dedicated to the Memories of

Quido and Emma Notte.

Joshua “Rocco” Thompson.

 

For anyone looking for information about the event or anything to do with Tony Robbins, please call:  Angel McDonnell at 858-535-6287. Or email her at angel.mcdonnell@tonyrobbins.com

Please be sure to  tell her that I sent you.

Thank you and be sure to subscribe to find out when my next blog is posted

 

Make Your Move and Shake Your Ass: My Four Days with Tony. Day Four, Life Will Never Be The Same

Authors Note:  This will be the shortest of all blogs.  You’re welcome.

Oh how different you feel.  What I didn’t include about Day 3, is how high my chest was after the “Dickens Process” and I know I wasn’t alone.

2MM.  Life is nothing but 2mm.

And don’t be stupid, I don’t mean the candy.

It didn’t matter if I woke up on Sunday to protein and almond alarm, or gun shots outside of my room.  You look in the mirror differently. You give a hard look at that person staring back and a smile comes across both of your faces.  Like you see someone you haven’t seen in a long time that you had the biggest crush on.  But you were just afraid to say something in case they let you down.  Now, now you’re ready to put a ring on it!

Which is hard for me because I did get a divorce.  The next marriage is my last marriage.  And you know who says that more than any other human on this planet?  People going on their 3rd marriage.

Nonetheless, you knew everyone did too.  And today was a day full of that, and youtube videos of Tony.  The star of the day was decompression.  And every single product that the Robbins Research Institute had to sell. And that’s okay.  I swear at one point there was a product pitch within a product pitch.  Again, that’s okay.  Not only is Tony a beyond phenomenal public speaker, the fella knows how to market himself.  Remember those big tooth informercials interrupting my me time?  Well, the guy knew market saturation.  And his product was him.  Well, we got a whole day of it, but we also got Wim Hof.

DAY FOUR

Walking around was almost hysterical how everyone was just smiling at each other.  And if everyone wasn’t, you searched out another smile, locked eyes and just threw them one back.  You ever buy a new car and notice afterward how many others have your car?  Well, same thing but not so ego driven.  If they had a bracelet and a smile, when you locked eyes you knew they knew something too, and it felt friggen fantastic!

True story: I’m on the phone with my mother and talking about when I was coming back.  Told her the next day and when I get home after flying all day, I had to be up first thing in the morning to go to the dentist.  My attitude and I literally said it aloud:

“Which is cool because my mouth needs to be cleaned, so I have that to look forward to.”

A very not ugly lady turned and looked at me like I was absolutely awesome.

At least that is what I thought.  And I’m going to go with it.

Loaded up on some actually healthy food (Truth be told, they did have decent healthyish food to choose from at the SAP)  And BIG PROPS to the those at the locations that would fill your water. Especially that one right next to the water fountain.  Once loaded up, headed in.

Me to Security:  “Good morning, thank you for everything you guys are doing”

I’m not, by any stretch trying to sound awesome, it just is coming out that way, I swear.

Met up with a hippieish kid and decided we were going to head to the same section I was last night.  Which, it was pretty cool because you do see smiling faces of friends now.  Sad that this was the end. But it was the beginning and a lot of us knew that.

Now, like I alluded to earlier, this day was nothing but sales.  It started with a voluntary Business Mastery tease with Mike Melio.  Mikey came out two nights prior to tell his difficult journey to prosperity and happiness.  Afterward, they tried to sell you on one of Tony’s other live events.  On this day, it was about an hour and a half of him giving you an outline and tease of the type of information you could get about your business at said event.  It was good, one thing I learned about any entrepreneur or even an autonomous salesperson; be an expert of whatever you are selling.  And use social media and your website to convey that message.  Along with radio!!!  I work for one of these mediums, can you figure out which one?

Joseph followed shortly after and for the remainder of the day we had brief moments of Joe, a guy from Egoscue (Tony Horton fans know what that is) to do some physical stretches.  Joe even gave me the chance to slap a gorgeous 20 something on the ass.

And you’re goddamn right I did.

But the majority of the day was spent watching videos of Tony at another seminar talking about health.  Did it come across as somewhat lame?  Informative? Yes.  Am I using any of the information that was provided? Yes. I stopped eating red meat of any kind and any poultry. Never much of a pork eater, though. Why?

To answer the original question; was it lame?  It was Tony on a screen and the room was still pretty damn cold.  I wasn’t complaining, but I wasn’t nearly as invested as I was the night before.  Unless someone was on stage, and that someone was Wim Hof.

Instead of me going through who Wim Hof is, I will just pass this along for you to judge for yourself.

http://beta.wimhofmethod.com/pages/about

Wim had us doing a horse stance breathing exercise.  All I know, is that I ran a 5k distance that morning and had been on my feet,  a lot, for the previous 3 days.  My legs didn’t get tired and we held that stance for a good amount of time.  The next thing we learned was how to hold our breath to strengthen our immune system.  I will just say that the third time through, I was at least at 2 minutes with my breath held.  It was pretty crazy.  And like that, he was gone.

There were products being pitched with lessons attached.  Primarily about Alkalinity.  If you are a part of Team Beachbody, a lot of what he was teaching was already known.  Especially if you did the Ultimate Reset.  Which I do at least once a year to clean my system.  If interested (like how I did that?) feel free to look into it via:

http://www.beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/coachkeithitup

By this point of the night, the crowd was 1/3rd the size.  People were tired.  But for those that stayed, well, Joseph sent us off perfectly.

Thank you, Joseph, for being the perfect Robin!

And yes, I made sure to find my Angel (had to) and say thank you for being placed on Earth for me to find at the exact right moment.

To cap off the event, Uber was simple!  My God!

And what happened when I got back to my hotel?  I had dinner with a phenomenal young lady.

Thank you, San Jose!

Thank you, to the entire crew!

Ah hell with it, thank you, Uber!

Now the question to ask is:

Did it work?

One more blog to go and I will have some kickass news too!

For anyone looking for information about the event or anything to do with Tony Robbins, please call:  Angel McDonnell at 858-535-6287. Or email her at angel.mcdonnell@tonyrobbins.com

Please be sure to  tell her that I sent you.

Thank you and be sure to subscribe to find out when my next blog is posted

 

Make Your Move and Shake Your Ass, My Four Days with Tony: Day 3, SET A NEW STANDARD!

Authors Note:  Even though I have shared many personal moments throughout these blogs, this post in particular, will have some moments of ambiguity.  There are moments from this day that belong to me and only me.  If you were there, you will completely understand.  If you weren’t, hopefully someday you will and it will be because of what you’re about to readThank you and enjoy. 

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

-Mark Twain

Think back to days that forever changed your life.  When you awoke, did you know it would be that day?  Despite being forewarned multiple times the day before by Angel, my life was about to change and how did it kick off?

Goddamn protein bars and almonds!

Saturday morning I awoke after getting a whole 5 hours of sleep.  Other than Angel also informing me about this being THE day of transformation, it was also the longest day, slated to go from 8:30am until 1am.  Do the math.  Still, I must get my workout in.  While in the hotel gym, I noticed a couple other guys that were also wearing their UPW bracelets. (When you registered, you were given a bracelet and lanyard that showed your seating area by color) Our conversation was short, but I made sure to mention how I was informed this was going to be a long one.  So fuel up!

I’m geared up and ready to go, you know, that extra hour of sleep really kicked things up a notch!  Truthfully, I was stoked about Tony being back today.  Like I mentioned earlier, Joseph is spectacular!  But I’m sure even he would admit, the energy when Tony is there, it’s like an amp that goes to 11.

 

However, if I was jazzed for the fact Tony was going to be there, surely some of the other 10,500 felt the same way.  So, I had to get my little ass moving!

Breakfast at the Cafe in the hotel right? WRONG.  Doesn’t open until 7.  And I needed to be on the road.  Whole Foods right? WRONG, they don’t open until 8!  SON OF A BITCH!

Well, goddamn it.

Fast Forward to today.  It’s been over a week and I can’t even look at a bag of salt and vinegar almonds.  Anyway, off to:

DAY THREE

At this point, my comfort level with interacting with complete and total strangers is greater than talking to my family.  How so?  You start to think about how the outside world, your friends, your family, your co-workers, your clients, and how they going to judge you when you get back.

“How was your thing?”

“Did you drink the Kool-Aid?”

“Did you burn your feet?”

“You ‘re not going to be all positive and shit now, right?”

“You DO know Tony Robbins is a fraud?”

My mind was already worrying about something that may or may not happen?  Please refer back to the quote at the beginning of this post.  For some reason though, I had this feeling I was going to be treated like I just became a Scientologist!

Then my phone rang, it was my father.

My father and I have always had a very, tumultuous relationship.  I was predominantly raised by my maternal grandparents and was always a “momma’s boy”. My mom’s family has always been the ones I’ve loved the most and felt like I disappointed the greatest.  When I lost my grandparents within a year of each other, that is when my life sputtered out of control.  Throw in one of my best friends suicide, and well, you can see why I believed (past tense) back in my 20’s that I was justified in having a drug and alcohol dependency.

Back to my father, we actually enjoyed our conversation.  It was lighthearted and even though I sounded like a transvestite phone sex operator, he was so intrigued by what I was doing.  That was the moment I knew the day was going to be different.

I even told him I loved him.

When you get inside, they still don’t let you go to your section of choosing until a certain time. Meanwhile, people line up to ensure they get the seat they want.  While standing there, a very cute, young, Asian woman started chatting with me.  After a bit, we shared a little, not much, a little information about ourselves to each other.  For example:

Me: “I’m 38, you?”

Her: “I’m in my 30’s”

Oh was this little shit going to sit next to me. If not for the simple reason of seeing how much I could get out of her.  She felt like a challenge. S0, I asked if she would sit next to me and she obliged.  Off we went to spend the next, potentially 15 hours with each other.

Another aspect I’ve failed to mention up until now is the dancers.  Yes, the Fire Dancers.  At least that’s what I think they were called.  Their job is to come out and get you pumped up.  Remember the music that I described how God awful some of it was?  It’s Jock Jams.  Plain and simple, it’s Jock Jams and you fucking love it.  You’re doing the claps they are doing, the waves they are doing, the dance moves, and everything. 1996-2015 Keith wouldn’t speak to this guy.  Now I’m Superfly dancing to Britney and Pitbull.  I’m even shaking my ass like I’m the Hotstepper!

 

The young lady that I just met started to open up.  Many of you reading this don’t know me, I’m quite loquacious. Simply put, I talk A LOT and don’t shut the fuck up.  But now I’m listening.  I’m asking her more and more about her life and finding out she was a first generation Chinese American in her family. The more and more I found out, the more and more I realized how amazing some people are and how spectacular their journeys to this destination was.  For you see, it wasn’t just about seeing Tony Robbins, it was seeing how the people you were surrounded by had more in common with you emotionally than you thought.  We all get so consumed and/or overwhelmed by our emotions on a day to day basis thinking that no one understands us.  Just to find out, we’re not alone. We’re far from alone.

Joseph came out first. Initially, it was kind of a letdown, especially when you thought it was going to be Tony all day and night.  Whatever. A let down to this crowd would be the apex compared to A LOT of crowds that I’ve witnessed.   Nonetheless, the education began.  We learned that if you are going to have an Extraordinary Life, you must see what the 7 areas were and how you value each.  This is good for you that weren’t there, because take a moment to look and think about these:

In no particular order: 1)Physical Body. 2)Emotions and Meaning 3)Relationships 4)Time 5)Work/Career/Mission 6) Finances and 7) Celebrate/contribution, Spiritual Sense.

I know where I’m strong but where I want to be stronger.  Which means I fully understand my weaknesses.  The reason you do this, look at where you’re strong and  juxtapose what you do on a daily basis to make them so. Compare that to what you’re weak at. Be honest with yourself, it’s only you, to you, about you, you’re talking to.  I had to turn to my newfound, first generation, fine, female friend.

I joked earlier about how I would share lessons I learned and all you had to do was read this blog to discover them.  I had to turn to the person to my right, left, behind and in front,  a complete stranger, and tell them some things only my fucking therapist knows.  When you have a therapist, you are essentially their mafia boss and you’re paying them off to keep their lips zipped! But now, I’m turning to my right or left and saying my biggest fear, the one thing that frightens me to the point of nightmares and constant self-depreciation, is this and this is why.  You had to get over that shit quick.  Like Day 1, Hour 1.  However, the rabbit hole was going deeper.  Because…

HEEEEEERE’S TONY!!!

EXPLOSION!  LIKE 10,500 PEOPLE ALL HAVING THE BIGGEST ORGASM OF THEIR LIFE AT ONCE!

Don’t ask me why, it just was, and it was fucking awesome!  I could show you a crystal clear video with flawless audio and it would still not even touch what it felt like in that place, at that moment in time.  And by the way, I believe I’ve gained some sort of credibility earlier about being at monumental events.

wwf_wrestlemania_11_eventposter

I have to add this in first.  Next to the adorable young woman to my left, (I had an aisle seat, remember this) there was a really big, like, looked like NYC mechanic named whose name could have been Lou and his Italian nephew who looked like a Michael.  Remember, “Hug 9 people”?  Well, there was something else you had to do. “Get in groups of 4 and massage the person in the middle”.  That didn’t happen initially.  “Lou” kept conveniently disappearing at those moments.  And at this point, I was okay with it. We will get back to this shortly. Oh and if you don’t like being touched. These events are NOT for you.  Or they could be a way for you to get over that shit!

He opened up with a lot of science about human chemistry and physiology. A theme throughout the weekend.   Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t rocket science, but it was very educating.  I’ve been reading his book, listening to his audio cd’s, and watched the documentary; I understood his language.  A good sum of it was redundant to me.

Then the children were taken out of the room.

For those that have never seen the documentary or much of anything about Tony Robbins, he curses like a drunk trucker at Mardi Gras.  I obviously was very fucking offended. He does acknowledge the children, though.  Saying they are going to hear things, but it is meant to shock.   Freud did it, so, you know.

“Don’t worry the kids are going into another room, we’ve got some great stuff for them to do.  We don’t want them seeing this because this may be very traumatic to them.”

What…the…fuck?  Was I scared when I heard this? You bet you’re fucking sweet ass I was.  And you would be too!  Keep in mind I already walked on fire and may be giving Lou a massage.  So, you know, everything is kinda on the table in this place.

But that is why I walked on fire.

THE DICKENS PROCESS

We all know about Scrooge right?  Whether you’ve read the immortal classic “A Christmas Carol” or saw Bill Murray in “Scrooged”, you know the concept, right?  Past, Present, Future equals changed life. It was at the moment Scrooge sees his future, after examining his childhood and current state, that he ultimately realizes that  his life has to change.   Well, the next hour was spent writing down our 3 most limiting beliefs. The ones that hold us back, scare us.  And guys and gals, I’m not talking about being scared of fucking heights.  These are beliefs.

“I believe if I do this, that will happen”

And some of those are pretty damn debilitating, now aren’t they?  And I’m turning to my left to tell them to someone I met 3 hours ago.

After we wrote three and why, we wrote their complete antithesis.  Our most 3 empowering beliefs and why.

“If only I could do this, this would happen.”

Now that we got those on paper.  We were told that what we are about to do is associate so much pain to those three limiting beliefs, that we will never allow ourselves to feel the same way about them again.

Allow me to say this with the highest regard for our Military and those that Serve.  I am NOT comparing what we did with what they go through.  But the premise can be similar.
We were broken down and then built back up.  Reprogrammed.  And Tony Robbins is my leader.  I’m fucking with you. Just pay attention:

The room went dark and we were told to close our eyes.

“People are going to go through some very strong, intense emotions, don’t comfort them.  Let them suffer.”

Imagine the life that you have where you will never change, a life where you will always be limited by these beliefs, a life that is lived in fear.

Now imagine 5 years from now, feeling that exact same way. But worse.

A boy, I say boy because he just sounded so young to me.  This boy let out a horrific scream like he was being mutilated.  It scared the shit out of me.  Then I thought,

“Why aren’t I having that type of moment?”

Then…

“Imagine it’s 10 years.  Now, people are leaving you because of how you are. You’re all alone”

My knee fucking buckled. I dont know why, but it buckled.  I had to reach back for the arm of my seat. Oh God I couldn’t open my eyes because now…The sobs, the screams…it’s all you could hear and then someone screamed:

“STOP!!!”

At 17 years old, I attempted suicide with my baby brother downstairs.  At 23 I was fully addicted to alcohol, I buried the two people that raised me and my penance for not telling them how much I loved them was feeling like I disappointed them for perpetuity. At 26 we buried my friend that shot himself in the head. The day before, he called and I didn’t answer because I was too hungover.

What I went through for 12 minutes on November 12th, 2016, was the worst moment of my life.  It felt like hell. It was hell…I couldn’t stand straight up. I tried, God knows I tried.  All you heard were people crying uncontrollably.

“Let out a sound that describes what that feels like”

I didn’t know our soul could scream.

“Imagine it’s  20 years”

If he were in front of me…I would have fallen to my knees and begged him to stop.

This is what pathetic feels like.

“Let out a sound that describes what THAT feels like”

I didn’t know the terrified child could scream.

Then..

“REPEAT AFTER ME!”

NOW I AM THE VOICE

I WILL LEAD, NOT FOLLOW

I WILL BELIEVE, NOT DOUBT

I WILL CREATE, NOT DESTROY

I AM A FORCE FOR GOOD

I AM A LEADER

DEFY THE ODDS!!!

SET A NEW STANDARD!!!

STEP UP! STEP UP!! STEP UP!!!

“NOW MAKE THE SOUND OF EVERLASTING JOY!”

YES! MOTHER FUCKING YES!!!!

This is was unstoppable feels like!

And like that, it turned into the most epic moment of my life.  That’s all you get.  My words will never accurately describe what happened after.  I will continue on with certain aspects, but you must feel it for yourself.  Do it for yourself.  Give yourself that gift.  For some, it will be the very first time you ever truly loved yourself.

And what a glorious feeling that is.

All I’m going to say what happened to me physically is this.  I had an aisle seat and had to reach back to make sure I didn’t fall down the stairs because of…I felt sick.  Violently sick. But this is aimed at those that were there, does anyone wish they had someone handing out a few tissues?  The amount of snot coming out of my nose.

And then we had to stick our fucking fingers up the damn thing. Do you honestly think something didn’t stick to it when I pulled it out?  All the while talking to the person to my left?

That was part of breaking the pattern.  We touched base with our inner child, and proved how foolish these beliefs were.  This was proceeded by replacing a lot of our past with our undetermined future.  Oh and what a future I now have waiting for me.

This was the last day with Tony and it was everything you could have prayed, hoped and dreamed of. He was humorous, educating, informative, passionate, honest, and loving.  If some how, some way he sees this.  Thank you.  It was an awful nice thing you did for us…me.

And we fucking rocked that place until 12am!!!

The next hour was for those that wished to sign up for the Mastery Program.  He came back on after 1am but I left at about 12:45.  I had just “exorcised the demons”, I was spent.

Life officially hit the reset button.

Christ, even Lou gave me a massage!

Nothing could touch me, right?

WRONG!

Fucking Uber…

 

For anyone looking for information about the event or anything to do with Tony Robbins, please call:  Angel McDonnell at 858-535-6287. Or email her at angel.mcdonnell@tonyrobbins.com

Please be sure to  tell her that I sent you.

Thank you and be sure to subscribe to find out when my next blog is posted

 

 

Get it up and Keith it up: A Team Beachbody love story

So, how many of you that follow me on Facebook are sick of seeing: “Keith Hannigan Posted a “Map My Ride” workout?  He biked an absurd amount of miles.  He burned I don’t give a shit number of calories, and he spent the amount of time I enjoyed a full episode of House of Cards while he was sweating like A-Rod during a urine test. .

Yeah, me too.  What can I say though, I feel good, really, really good.  And yes, I do get either coupons or points from Map My Ride when I post my workouts.  Hence all the posts.  Plus I want you all to feel lazy.

I can’t wait til someone comes out with “Map My Ass”.  Keith watched two episodes of Shark Tank, he consumed 643 calories, and he didn’t move for 1 hour and 28 minutes watching it.  You know, because I got DVR.  WINNING!

charlie-sheen-winning

The point of this, you’re welcome, is because I want to help.  I really want to help.  Too many people that I know, that I care about, struggle with their weight and what it does to them emotionally.  If you know me, you know, well, you know I have some expertise in this area.   If you don’t know me, I just posted a picture of Charlie Sheen, if you find me untrustworthy, well I can’t help you.

Being a fat kid is something I will always struggle with.  Plain and simple.  Anybody that was a fat kid, knows exactly what I’m talking about.  Those skinny little pricks that were both my friend and still the ones to call me fat…I know you’re fat now, trust me, I do.  It’s called Google.

 

google-your-name

 

About 5 years ago, I was engaged and trying to figure out how to work out again, this time, without a gym membership.  I have a love/hate relationship with the gym.  I love watching girls workout wearing yoga pants, but meanwhile I’m next to one of the cast from Jersey Shore wearing way too much Drakkar Noir and screams like Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in “When Harry Met Sally” every time he chest presses 20lbs.

 

But the gym wasn’t going to work for me because I was living in Selkirk, NY and if you don’t know where Selkirk is, don’t worry, neither do the residents of Selkirk.  One day on my hour and a half, one way commute, I was listening to ESPN Radio; which you couldn’t get me to do again these days even if you promised me a sex tape between Heidi Klum and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen.  You’re welcome for that image.  And no, there isn’t any picture of the two of them together. But here is a sweet one of Kelly Kapowski for you!

Kelly Kapowski

Anyway, while listening to either the  fat, dumb, jock and the whiny Jew or the Howard Cossel wannabe except, well,  without talent, they were doing what is referred to as “Live Reads” for P90x. Live Reads are those moments when the actual talent, whether they have it or not in this case, talk about a product.  Now, some of these are called testimonials.  A testimonial is when the talent not only reads about the product, but claims to have used the product.  Think Tim Philbin, if you have to, I love Tim, in the Rutland, VT. Market talking about Hartes Flooring (God bless, my friend) as a local example.   Or Howard Stern and the Squatty Potty nationally.  I have one and I swear by the damn thing!  Every one thinks it’s a stool.  Like I need a stool for anything! (I’m not tall).  But little do they know, it is for my stool…

 

Well, on ESPN there were talking about how great p90x was.  I had no damn clue as to what this P90x was.  It sounded like something the kids were taking at a Phish show.

“Did you hear that jam in Reba while low balling on the P 9 to the zero x file brotherman?”

“Nahman, I was rolling on bath salts eating this dready dude that asked me for a miracle.  So I totally chomped his ass!  Was it sick?”

“Totally brah, Trey was killing it”

It wasn’t that.  P90X is this 90 day extreme workout that you’ve all seen the infomercials for.  It sucks.  In a good way.  And I got hooked.  Then I did Insanity and wanted to cry.  I can’t tell you how many disgusting things I would allow to be done to me by this guy than do Insanity again.

fat_guy_3

But I got hook, line and sinkered into the Team Beachbody world.  And for the past 4 years I’ve been a Team Beachbody Coach.  No, I’m not going to post any shirtless selfies, but I can private message them to you, if you’d like. (WINK)  It will be so much more naughty that way. Anywho…

Being a Team Beachbody Coach for the past 4 years has been pretty sick.  I get a kick ass discount on Shakeology, supplements, and any program I purchase. You can even stream the workouts and if you do, you will have access to workouts that aren’t available on DVD.

Now for total transparency, yes, I do get paid if I sell a product to you, but this really isn’t about that.  Of course it’s a perk, but I have a good job, I don’t necessarily need the extra money, and I won’t be quitting my job anytime soon. Or will I?

Muahahahaha.jpg

Here is the thing though, there is this funny word called fulfillment.  And let me tell you about it.

Fulfillment comes from helping someone that needs your help.  And if you have the opportunity, the desire, and more than anything, the experience to help someone; why the fuck wouldn’t you do it?

So here I am.  Telling you that I’m currently 50 pounds lighter than my highest weight.  I’ve kept the mass majority off since and I have a consistent routine that obviously works. I’m not going to go into my full routine, but lets just say, you guys are pretty sick of seeing one aspect of it.  (For those that don’t know me, I post my aforementioned bike rides almost daily) But I do get one Team Beachbody workout in at least 6 days a week.  Currently it’s the Hammer and Chisel.  Google Autumn Calabrese.  Male, female, transgender, it doesn’t matter, you will Google all over yourself when you do. But the first part of my day is really simple and the first tip is free.  And when I say free, I don’t mean like I’m going  to NOT charge you for this.  I’m an idiot if I were to insinuate that.  I mean this doesn’t actually cost anything for you to do.  You ready?

Go for a walk first thing in the morning.  I know many of you have young little ones, and it’s quite difficult to find the time to do anything without them.  But, if you do and you’re married, then take turns watching them.  One morning you get the kids ready while she goes for a walk, and the next morning she watches them.   Maybe it’s something both of you can do as a couple or competitors.  If and when you get the chance to walk together, you can see who is doing the “Pissed off power walking lady face”,  with her arms at perfect 90-degree angle, squeezing her glutes with every step.  Or if one of you is just going down to the corner and back really friggin slow to pretend they walked.   Meanwhile, they are the ones that come back in a flop sweat.  Hmmm…

For me, I eat breakfast before.  Few eggs.  Yogurt. Fruit. Or this kick-ass protein infused, whole grain pancakes I saw on Shark Tank called Kodiak Cakes.They sell them at Hannaford.  Variety is the best thing for your body so it doesn’t plateau.  Plus, who the hell enjoys eating the same thing for breakfast everyday?  This is your life, not prison!    Also, before you go, drink a big tall glass of water.  Your body is dehydrated when you wake up, so refuel it!  The glass of water will also help get your insides going.  You may want to wait until your insides are gone before going on said walk though, if you know what I’m saying. And for those of you that struggle with that, a glass of water really helps.   But be sure to  drink one when you get back too.   You will pee all day long and will start to lose that excess water weight you have on you.  Now  don’t go  and be a douche and eff this whole thing up by the way by getting a Peppermint Mocha Latte from Starbucks.  Even though those things would be my beverage of choice if I was on Death Row.  But for those of you that think you’re caffeine habit is getting a little out of hand.  You know, if you’re the type that is ready to slaughter a small village when you first wake up until the moment you have that sip of Foldgers;   You’ll be astonished when you discover that one thing we can do, that doesn’t cost a dime, will wake you up and have you feeling better than any double espresso, cappuccino:  Breathing.  Yes breathing.  Funny things happen when you get oxygen to your brain.  It actually starts to work.

Breath work is a novel idea and will segue nicely into the last reason I’m “making you” read this.  (Even though we both know that you got hooked right away and are enjoying it)

Wellness.

Do any of you know what the hell that word even means?  Well, I’ll help you.

 

I know my fair share, and I was completely one of them, arrogant douches because I worked out.  Then, I not only discovered yoga, but I also discovered meditation.  Your image of me is changing right now, I know.  And it’s great!  Brother Dweeb or Hippie Keith is coming back, but this time, with abs!  Namaste bitches!

My interest in this aspect of our species is truly my favorite.  Emotions are crazy.  Absolutely crazy. Seriously, my mind won’t shut the fuck up for one second!  It’s exceptional but, come on.  It’s like having a neighbor with a garage band that is really good, but by the time it’s midnight and they are practicing “Whole Lotta Love” for the 9th time, it gets a little tiresome.

Breathing though cures almost everything emotionally.  It’s like that bottle disinfectant that kills 99.9% of germs.  You just want to know; What the hell is that .01% and why won’t it die?  Like a friend of mine said once, that .01% is what causes the Walking Dead.

But whether it be: Anger, stress, anxiety, frustration, resentment, hostility, and so on, just breathe.  It helps. Trust me!  But if you’re medicating because you are one of those that suffers deeply from depression, there are alternatives.  I really suggest this book:

And these tips have been brought to you by Coach Keithitup.

With all of that being said, here are the links to my Team Beachbody Website, My Shakeology Website, and my Ultimate Reset website*.  If you don’t have time to exercise, and want to lose 20lbs while devoloping the best eating habits of your life, trust me, I do the reset once a year to give my body a break from working out.

Feel free to contact me anyway you choose.  You can email me directly at (do I put an @ symbol there?  Is writing symbol after writing a symbol redundant?  It feels like it)

kth08250@gmail.com

And thanks for playing…

 

http://www.beachbodycoach.com/COACHKEITHITUP

 

*I noticed after I wrote this that they don’t have an Ultimate Reset website any longer for Coaches.  Essentially, it is a 21 day clean eating, and supplement based detox.  When I’m done with those 21 days, I’m leaner, I feel emotionally better, and I just feel well overall.  I highly recommend it!

 

 

 

 

 

Screw the person, help the dog.

Have you ever been the “Phone a friend”? And no, I don’t mean Regis on the other end asking: “Keith is that you? Regis Philbin, Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.  You ever notice on that show that the person always answered on the first ring?  Little desperate.

The phone a friend I’m talking about, well…

The first instance I can recall was a classmate of mine my senior year in high school.  I went to a very small Catholic High School in Rutland,VT.  A city that lately has become synonymous with heroin and a Syrian refugee debate.  Poor Syrians, not only to they have to go to a place they are not wanted.  They have to go to Rutland too.

It wasn’t always like this though.  A thriving economy with not one but two General Electric plants.  Multiple factories that provided the nation and parts of the world plastics and wood.   Now, not so much.  But during 1996, booming.  Thanks Slick Willy!!

I was only 17 years old, but a friend was calling me because of my expertise in specific subject matter.  It wasn’t about homework, no one would ever fucking call ME for homework.  It wasn’t for relationship advice. I was better in science than I was in relationships and I consistently failed science.  No, the subject was way more serious than that.  She was calling me to tell me she wanted to kill herself.  Only weeks before, maybe days, I was released from Cheshire Medical Center in New Hampshire, where I stayed for 15 Days and 14 Nights.  At 17 years old, I was the one that answered the: “Cry for Help”.  I don’t know how many of you have had that luxury.  But, being handed that responsibility, in the same very room you attempted your own suicide attempt, only days after coming back there.  I will just say this:

I wouldn’t have had anyone else fucking do it!

Oh, and she lived.

Years later, well, I may have gotten that call again.  This time, I was too hungover to talk.

3 days later.

He didn’t.

Last Friday I get a text from a woman that I think highly of.  We met on one of the many dating websites I subscribe to.  I like to say I’m casting a wide net.  Realistically, I’m just desperate to hear someone hot say I’m cute.  We could go into a very deep psychoanalysis of this, but we will save that for another blog.

My friend, who we will call Faith 333,  is recently separated and has a 10 year old  boy.  Very attractive lady, nice body, a school teacher,  public speaker,  life coach and a writer.  The latter  still something that I’m trying to convince myself that I am.  See you in 3 months Tony Robbins!

Once Faith 333 liberated herself from her marriage and was officially labeled as “Currently Separated”, she  went on one of the many dating websites I frequent on a daily basis.  Now,  to add some credibility; It wasn’t even 2 days into my ex and I deciding to get a divorce before I already had this gorgeous little lady that wanted to meet me on Match.com  And when she did…Let’s just say she got to witness an actual nuclear meltdown from point blank range.  I officially became her dating site horror story.    Eventually, though, I met a girl, that was amazingly sweet but just as amazingly insecure.  We ended up sleeping with each other on the first date and the whole time I couldn’t get the image of my ex out of my head.  Another horror story. Then I  met a hippie girl I obsessed about, but that turned into the Three Mile Island to the previous Chernobyl.  Now, I’ve never seen American Horror Story, but I understand that there are 3 different seasons of it, each with a different story line.  This was my dating life.  Eventually though, I  went down to D.C. just to have sex for a weekend with a girl I was crazy about in another life. A very “No Strings Attached” weekend. But, like any addict, I hopped right back on the Merry-Go-Round of dating websites and  met a crazy Christian.  That ended due to one of those Himalayan Salt Lamps and a rabid cat.  Long story.   And my last fling came and went when I  met the next Senator of NY.  But this one ACTUALLY  became my girlfriend…  For a week!  No shit! Good thing that didn’t become Facebook official, so we can pretend it never happened.

Faith 333 on the other hand met someone that made her feel for the first time in only God knows how long!  Made her feel loved.  Made her feel sexy! Made her feel wanted, desired, coveted.  Unfortunately though, she became second fiddle to addictions like her ex-husband she was still technically married to. She was rejected by this man she met,  which in her heart and mind is her Scarlett Letter, rejection that is. Her and I went out on an official date, and I asked if there was someone else. I had a sense.  She confirmed that she still had feelings for this guy.  Why wouldn’t she?  Imagine you were in an incorrigible situation for YEARS, and when you break free from it, there is someone there that, you thought, swept you off your feet.  The funny thing about encounters like these, desperate enough, you will find any commonality to build upon.  Even though the strongest commonality here was the way she was all alone again, except for the love of her son.  Which was now becoming strenuous due to the horrible back and forth her and her soon to be ex-husband were subjecting him to on a daily basis. And child of divorce knows what I’m talking about.  No matter how much you try not to put the child in the middle, the child(ren) always are.  And typically, one will use the child as leverage.  Which is appalling, but true.  Desperate times call for desperate measures right?  Anyway, the night that Faith 333 and I went out,  my “Spidey Sense” for dating too soon, which I believe I am now an expert of, was freaking out.  I could tell this lovely woman was wounded, and she needed time to heal. But rejection is a son of a bitch…

Many of us know that feeling don’t we?  The feeling of wanting what we can’t have?  We will convince ourselves that it’s SO MUCH MORE than that!  I mean seriously,  I was married to a girl that was talking to other guys online about the possibility of  them meeting BEFORE we got married.  She even contacted the guy on our Honeymoon.  She even had phone sex with one guy.  IN OUR BEDROOM. After being told some of this and figuring out the rest and confronting her about it; You know what happened right after I moved out of our house?

I STILL WANTED HER BACK!

Because she rejected me.  And… I was dying to have sex with her just one last time.

But the text I got from Faith 333 wasn’t about that though.  I actually  mentioned why she did. Did you pick up on it?  He is an addict and alcoholic, and furthermore, and she didn’t know she was doing this, she was worried about him hurting himself after not hearing from him since the evening before.  A night she thought he had been consuming something. But she didn’t know this, but this was now the 3rd time in my life that phone rang and it may have had a persons life hanging in the balance.

And there was no one else that I’d rather have answering that phone call.

After some tears were shed on her part, and understandably so.  No one wants to be rejected.  True story: The last time I heard my ex-wife cry?  She was on the phone with me, still as my wife, and she was listening to me cry about how much I missed her.  She told me to stop crying.  Then I asked about the guy she said she was convinced she was in love with, the internet troll living in his mom and dads basement.  Or so I believe.  She welled up and told me he stopped talking to her. Hmmm…Maybe it was because he was a major reason why you wanted to leave your husband.  It was much deeper than that though, please see a previous blog post of mine.

She asked if I would come over for dinner, which I accepted.  Why?  I’m in a good place emotionally, and when I am, I love to help people.  Does it help that Faith 333 looks the way she does?  It sure as shit doesn’t hurt.

While I was there we enjoyed each others deep conversations, while revealing some of our darkest moments.  I’m not the type that goes on to social media and just blabs about my problems.  That’s what blogs are for!  No, seriously though, we have a connection.  We ended up watching that Tony Robbin’s movie on Netflix and talked until midnight.  I kissed her on the cheek and forehead to let her know she is loved, and wished her a good night.

The next morning I woke up in a pisser of a mood.  I don’t typically stay up past 10pm, primarily because I wake up religiously before 6am.  So, falling asleep at around 1am and waking up at 6am flat out sucks. Instantly something that happened at the end of my work day popped into my head, which did nothing but perpetuate my bad mood.  Then I got a notification on my phone, then another, and another.  Faith 333 thanked me so much for what I did and told me that she was going to do what she needed to.  I suggested the night before that she focus on her son.  Being a son of an ugly divorce, which she is going through, the child needs to be at the forefront of her mind, not a guy she was chasing.

So Faith 333 said she was going to do just that, focus on her son…Until, well, emotion takes a hold of your throat and then face punches you over, and over, and over, and over and over, and over…and when you think it’s finally done, it starts back up even stronger than before.  Why?  Because nobody wants to be rejected.  Remember my ex-wife and her internet fairy tale lover?  I would have taken her back in a second during the first year of our divorce, and probably portions of the second.  THAT is how powerful the feeling of rejection is.  It’s like an addiction to heroin mixed with cocaine.

She asked if she could come see me and go for a bike ride.  My bad mood from lack of sleep and work immediately dissipated.  I started to clean up, get myself ready, and get psyched for my ride.  It was shortly followed by her texting that  she got sick and can’t come.  Funny how your body reacts when your mind convinces you that there is a crisis happening.  Now, my bad mood came back with a vengeance.  I decided I would read which  didn’t last longer than two sentences.  My anger and frustration with everything I did, was willing to do, and was excited to keep on doing overwhelmed me.  So what did I do you may ask?

I got the fuck up.

Everyday, especially lately thanks to the nice weather.  I go for a walk first thing in the morning.  One morning though, I see a German Sheppard running around only a street up from my place.  Now, my childhood best friend had a German Sheppard growing up, his name was Apollo.   Appropriately named because he was as terrifying as the boxer in the Rocky movies and as fast a space rocket.  So there is a bit of a fear from adolescence that resurfaces when I see one.  Especially one that is free from his chain.  But I decided that day to keep on my path.  Not going to lie, I definitely turned around and started having second thoughts.  But as I approached the dog, I remembered a lesson I saw watching G.I Joe.

 

What I did do though was turn my hand palm side down and let him sniff the back of my hand.  He licked my hand and we realized we were both friendly and very beautiful.  A minute later I heard a whistle, turned around, and grabbed the dog by the collar and brought him to his somewhat grateful, annoyed, and embarrassed owner.

Fast forward back to the morning that Faith 333 “blew me off”.  I kid, because I will send this to her.  I began my walk on this beautiful morning and instantly I started feeling better.  Then a man in his Chevy Silverado pulls up and asked if I’ve seen a dog?  Told him that I haven’t but I did ask what kind?

A German Sheppard he said.  I quickly responded, without thinking of how douchey it may sound:

“Oh are you the same guy that lost him 2 weeks ago?”

“Yes”. he said with a soft tone that essentially said: “Son of a bitch, does this guy only walk when I lose my dog?!?”

Now that I think of it, I wasn’t douchey; Here is an idea, stop losing your damn dog?!?

Minutes later I saw the dog and we ran up to each other like two hippies tripping on acid that finally found each through the forest of people at a Summer Festival.  Seconds after that, I saw the guys truck and we got our dog back to his owner.  I continued on my walk with my head held high, my shoulders back, and an immense sense of pride.

Moral of the story or for some of you and what the fuck is the point of this for the rest:

The point is…We say things happen for a reason and some of us say “It is what it is”.

Fuck that!

When you’re feeling down, depressed, sad or are just not feeling mentally well: Get up, go do something for you, something for a family member. And if they suck, do in spite of.  If they suck that much, do something  for a friend.  And if you don’t have any friends, do it for a co-worker, and if they smell like 3 day old cheese, do something for a stranger, and if strangers scare you, JUST DO SOMETHING!

Because a dog could be lost without you.

A classmate may hate her life so much not realizing that she eventually can leave and be free of her mothers dark shadow.

A mentor may be lost and you may know the way out.

Or your friend calls, and because he’s not a good looking girl like the other two, you don’t answer the phone and then he’s gone.

 

Please trust me, doing something, no matter how painful it can be.  I promise you, it will never be as horrifying as the feeling that comes from doing nothing.
Live with passion!

-k

 

 

Exorcise the Demon: Part 2 The Story of Alison

I loved this photo when I first saw it.  I, with my chin held high with a “Look at me and what I got” gleam in my eye.

My exquisitely beautiful bride on my arm.  My mom and my dad…first, that is something to be said in its own self, a photo with my mom AND dad.   Not only that though, a picture of them looking…genuinely happy.

But, if you were to ask Norman Rockwell to paint a portrait of an insecure couple simply trying to fill a void in their lives; and subconsciously one was filled with shame and the other was filled with hate…

Alison and I wedding photo

 

He couldn’t have imagined it any more perfect.  Which by the way is an impossibility; More perfect.  You can’t be more perfect.  Think about that.  I think I heard Robert Wuhl once acknowledge that and it’s not an original statement, however, you get the point.

I adored her, and more than that I adored having someone that looked like her in those moments of absolute beauty being displayed for others to notice and compliment her on. (How about that for a slightly, okay, very bitter backhanded compliment?)  And more than that, I adored having someone that looked like her in those moments of absolute beauty being displayed for others to notice and compliment her on as my girlfriend, fiance, and then wife!

Everything else fucking sucked!

And it was because neither of us loved ourselves.  Eventually, we stop believing what the other is saying and it’s because we know it isn’t true.  When we said “I love you” to each other, and I initiated it always; it was because I wanted to hear it back.  Because I could never look in the mirror and say it back to me.  Not then at least.  But we’re working on that.  I’m going to suspect with what I predict is great accuracy, she couldn’t have done the same back then either.  Our marriage was over before we even met each other.  I should give back all the money that was given to us for our wedding.  It essentially went to the “Keith and Alison Entertainment Fund”. I bought a tv and I think we…yeah, we bought a t.v.  Rest assured though it is a sick Sony LED that I got out of the divorce settlement.  WINNING! That refund would signify  an acknowledgement that our marriage was nothing more than a predictably failed experiment.

As of today, I know Alison has already found another guy to hear those words from.  The final straw for us is when she revealed to me about “Emotional Affairs” she was having with men she met online.  Never physically, though.  I truthfully don’t know if I’d rather have her physically cheat on me.  She may have.  She told me she didn’t , but…you know.  And I hopefully never will be provided the opportunity to know what each of them feels like.  I’m going to talk about emotion vs. physical later, but for now, I know that her emotional affair decimated me, but also provided the opportunities I may have never been provided if she wasn’t “Catfishing” me.  I still think some of those dudes were 58, living on a steady diet of Strawberry Frosted Pop Tarts, Red Bull, and Hungry Man microwavable platters, while under their parents roof playing Halo. More than finding another guy, Alison is playing in a kickball league, providing the vehicle for her “family”, yes family because he has a child.  We tried to, on my orders, yes, orders.  But thank you oh Lord for not blessing us with child. That would have only kept us together for a short period and she would have been awarded custody.  That is a pain my nervous system is telling my brain to avoid at all costs.  And hence the thank you oh Lord!

She is essentially a step mom.  Not literally for those that don’t know what the fuck literally means. However, I’m happy for her. You want to know why?  She divulged to me, and I won’t go into detail out of respect.  I know, I know, this coming from the same guy who wrote and directed a biopic for school. Which you can watch right here!

But it was about her childhood, and that is just off limits. For you see, she really doesn’t know what love is.  She was never provided that as a child. She was never nurtured and instead of addressing it, she was told she was depressed.  OF FUCKING COURSE SHE WAS!  Imagine never believing that you deserve to be loved. And more so, you deserved to be hated for everything you do!  Her instinct was to seek love. As it should be.  Her inner self is so desperate to feel that, fill that, believe that, and she has no goddamn clue as to how to do it for herself. She was tought to find it somewhere else if she couldn’t find it at home.  I’ll give you one guess if her parents are married or divorced.    And because of that, she sought after love from every where she could.  Here is the thing though, ultimately  I was truly culpable for our divorce.  I would only allow her to have MY love, because I wanted her to only love me. Don’t get me wrong though, I adore her sister and brother in-law, I even adore all of her family.  But for her to go out with friends, and have a guy friend…Do you think someone like me, who has no idea as to what true love is, would trust her?  Our wedding day was like the premier of the movie “Titanic”, you fucking knew how it was going to end! Do you want to know why I’m happy for her though?

Today, she is finding her child again.  And hopefully she is nuturing it like it so desperately is craving for it to be.

I on the other hand, I’m standing in front of the mirror.

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