Tag Archives: Suicide

My Date (not online) With Destiny (not a stripper)!

Due to severe sleep deprivation, (severe is a little dramatic, but you’re reading a story about a guy’s self-help experience, so you know…) due to arctic like conditions that caused a contingency from Russia, fucking Russia, to dress head to toe in winter clothing, due to the first real nutrition I’ve consumed is in the form of a Jamba Juice smoothie at the Baltimore airport, due to feeling like I’m toeing the high wire hovering above full blown sickness from the aforementioned lack of sleep, frigid conditions, and diet…

This may be a little “scattered”.

Oh and I forgot to mention something; due to the fact I just spent six days and six nights at “Emotional Boot camp” where my mind, body, and spirit were broken down in ways I didn’t know existed. I again may be a little all over the place.

For the past five days I was journaling experiences with great ambiguity out of respect to those I came across…Out of respect to those I came across…We’ll get back to “those” momentarily, but first a little exposition.

Last November I attended my first and only other Tony Robbins Live Event/Seminar. It is the highly affordable and highly motivating Unleash the Power Within. If you’d like to read about my experiences there, you can do so by searching previous blog posts.  You know, the ones before I wrote about my online dating exploits.

Spac Profile Pic

When it was all said and done, the primary theme, for me, was we’re not alone. You’re not the only one that thinks that  you’re going crazy because you can’t stop thinking about this. You’re not the only one that feels so alone while experiencing that. And more than anything, you’re not the only one that wonders if this is all your life is ever going to be.

And the other thing about Unleash The Power Within, or UPW as us Robbins fans refer to it as, it’s an adrenaline shot to the spine that lasts a solid couple months. I mean for fucks sake, I was asked if I wanted to interview for a promotion the day after I got back to a job I was intensely contemplating whether or not I should submit my resignation.

Truthfully, when I got back from UPW, you could of dared me to dry hump a radio tower 150 feet in the air while wearing a leopard print thong and I would of said:

“YES!” Made my “move” and started the climb like a 5’6, not quite as hairy, King Kong.  Little Tony Robbins inside humor there.

So, with that, lets get to West Palm Beach.

Date With Destiny was introduced to not only the masses, but myself via the vehicle of Netflix. In the opening scene, we are introduced to the presence that is Tony Robbins.  The same guy that flashed a huge tooth smile with his massive cranium and his hair super glued in it’s part, hour after hour, after hour, after hour every morning and every night in the form of an informercial.  An informercial that used to drive me nuts when it came on at 4am because I was just about to “get off” while watching the latest Girls Gone Wild spot.

Why 4am?

Yet, when the “This is a Presentation of Guthy Renker” credit appeared, followed by this guy telling me how I could not only get wealthy, but live an amazing life like 3 time Pro Football Hall of Famer Fran Tarkenton; I had no idea how much he cared.

Tony-Robbins

I had no fucking clue that this guy cared, genuinely cared that much for his fellow man and woman. No clue. Not one goddamn clue. But there he was, telling this European with Red Shoes (Not Red Shoe Diaries, another thing I used to watch at 4am while…you know) how so many of us think our life is worthless because we had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year. Yet, don’t realize how much we could accomplish in a decade.

That was the moment he got me.

This was followed by me Googling how much it would cost to go to said Date with Destiny.  Then I was backhanded harder than tennis ball hit by Andre Agassi with the thought:

“Holy fuck this is expensive!”

Then, well, then I went to the more affordable UPW.

And after UPW was done, after the willingness to fuck a radio tower was over, after I got the job promotion, I instantly signed up for the Super Bowl of self-help, my Date with Destiny.

And I almost fucked it all up.

Why? Because I’m an easily influenced douchebag when the one doing the influencing possesses an exquisite ass.

How? By calling my rep at the Tony Robbins Institute and requesting a refund.

She tried to talk me out of it, but I fought back.

“It’s too much money.”

“I want to use the money to go on a vacation with this girl I just stared to date.”

“Because I’m in love.”

Well, when you sign up for events of this nominal value and high in demand, they make you sign a pretty ironclad contract.

But, when I freak out, I freak the fuck out!

Clearly I didn’t need to go to something to strengthen my emotional state.

So, my rep looked into it…

Good thing it took a bit, because, well, the girl, the girl I was so in love with, broke up with me a week later.  Because she:

“Wasn’t feeling it…”

Peace bitch and your amazing ass.

I instantly called my rep and cancelled my request for refund.

Thank, God!

Little did I know WHY she broke things off with me.

However, I was just secured my seat to not only find out exactly why she did, but why I have always, as I put it, “sucked at relationships”.

Funny thing though, when I arrived in West Palm, I wasn’t ready for this shit.

Not even close.

For you see, when I landed in San Jose for UPW, I was taken to the hotel, dropped my bags off and then went straight to the event. All I was worried about was walking on hot fucking coals.

So you can say there was ZERO down time. There was zero time for me to think about what I was about to do. Now, in West Palm, I had a full day.

And what was I thinking?

I didn’t want to be there.

I was scared, legitimately scared. I barely slept that night. Which kinda sucked because  little did I know it would be the last “good night of sleep”  that I was going to for the next 6 nights.

Definition of good night of sleep during a Tony Robbins Event: More than 5 hours.

Definition of good night sleep during, well, life: At least 7 hours.

But, this was a perfect metaphor for changing our definitions in life. And that’s one, not the primary, but one major theme I walked away with:

Change your definitions.

What was the primary theme?

Well, when we registered we received a color and a number on our name tag. The opening night, we sat with our color.  The girl next to me, a beautiful young redhead was P-4. P stood for Purple.

And of course my mind raced as to why I was given the color purple.

What, did they think I was gay?

Feminine?

A pussy?

At least it wasn’t Pink…

Mr. Pink

For those that don’t know, we had to fill out a bunch of paper work prior to the event.  This will be relevant momentarily.

I was P-1. (In my mind: Pussy #1)  The seat next to her, the redhead,  well, after we switched, was a lady from Mexicali, Mexico that was forced to go by her husband of two years in an effort to save their marriage. And yeah, her English, not so much. Which is kind of critical when you’re told to share with the stranger sitting next to you. So her and I swapped partners, this is how the redhead landed next to me, because there was a beautiful young woman that sat two seats down from that not only spoke Spanish, she too was a P-1.

Little did I know who she was.

Little did she know who I was.

Little did either of us know what God had planned for us.

Author’s Note: You’ve heard me refer to God multiple times, and I will continue to do so.  Now, my faith is my faith, and I don’t care what yours is. I will simply say this, when we have something such as a God to believe in, then we can believe in ourselves, now can’t we? I’m a Catholic out of respect to those that I loved that are no longer here.  However, I could eviscerate the Catholic Church. No, not because there are priests from the same gene pool as Jerry Sandusky. But because, well, those reasons belong to me, just like my faith…See what I did there? 

Anyway, yeah, that night, that night we got separated into teams of 50 to 60 people. And that was the moment a man, an older man put his arm around me and told me that I was in the right place.

“Keith, do you know who Jeff Arch is?”

“No creepy old man with your arm around me at 2am.”

“Well, he wrote Sleepless in Seattle after his Date with Destiny.  You’re in the right place.”

He was my trainer Randy. And I adored that moment and I adore that man. And he obviously read the aforementioned material.

He informed us that we were “Team Phoenix” and wanted us to find a “buddy” to partner up with. I looked around and well, yeah, I’m a dude. Of course I wanted an attractive female partner.  It’s just my feminine energy that has long been radiating through me.  For those that don’t know me: My mom is a magnificent woman that taught me two things: 1) Work ethic and 2) How to shop.

And my desperation was permeating through my pores.  Until a smile, a beautiful smile looked at me. It was the aforementioned woman that sat two seats down from me.
This young woman was 30, from Ecuador, spoke perfect English, and was about to become one of the most important people I’ve ever met in my life.

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The days and nights that followed were filled with much laughter, many tears, and the occasional being spat on by Tony as he “intervened” with a woman that caused us to, well, lets just say be our “Away Value of Frustration.”

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We witnessed a couple find love, we witnessed suicidal people find the miracle in tomorrow, and we witnessed the person in the mirror change from a person who’s reflection we despised to a person we wanted to kiss.

We even witnessed the man, the warrior in us, kill the coward that didn’t want to come there.

 

 

For all of this and so much more, I thank you Tony Robbins for wanting to serve people like me.

Thank you for having an event that introduced me to stories that inspired me like a young black man that left a life of crime by selling everything he had to attend this event in efforts to change his life.

Thank you for having this “emotional boot camp” just to break me down so you could build me back up into a man I forgot I was. And the man I aspired to be.

And thank you for having an event that introduced me to a woman that was the perfect partner for 6 days and 6 nights that helped me discover the solutions to the problems that only existed in my head. All the while helping her discover that she IS strong enough for the life she chooses to live. She deserves to live!

While UPW motivated and showed us we’re not alone.  DWD (Not Down With Disease for you Phish fans) introduced me to the pure love humanity has to offer. It offered connections to the inspired and it offered connections to the inspiring. It is the Grad school for the dreamers that are willing to work for the dreams they covet.

Date with Destiny brought me to the place I’ve been dying to see:

A little place called Hope.

And that my friends, was the primary theme.

Mark Twain once said, “I’ve seen a lot of problems and only a fraction of them actually happened.”

Clearly he went to Date with Destiny.

And go fuck yourself if you come at me with, “You know Keith, Mark Twain lived in…”

Ya douche, I know….Way to kill the fucking moment.

-k

 

 

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Make Your Move and Shake Your Ass: My Four Days with Tony. Tomorrow.

“I am not a product of my circumstances,  I am a product of my decisions”

-Stephen Covey

I hopefully will never know the feeling of being incarcerated for any extended length of time and then being “freed” into the masses.  Even though, there has been the occasion where I thought:

“You know, other than avoiding rape and get shanked; You get fed, workout, read, sleep.  No bills to stress over, no relationships to deal with. Well, unless of course, you’re somebodies bitch.  And let’s just call it like it is; I’m 5’6, 155lbs, and white.  I don’t know if they like lean little guys, but if so,  I’m a high draft pick.”

Point being, when you leave this world of nothing but positive, high octane, on Crack energy that you’ve come to absolutely adore and call home for the past four days and nights;  You’re not only coming back into the masses that is the hypersensitive year 2016 but, the masses that is still are wondering what the fuck?

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But you’re doing it with that chest bowed out like you have the tits of Sofia Vergara.

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The President-Elect would say they are great because they’re the best.

Have you seen House of Cards?  There was this scene where Frank and his wife and their…If you’ve seen the show, you know where I’m going.  It was instantly followed by a hot and sexy as hell scene on the opposite end of the spectrum. Seeing the images of these two about felt like that.

 

Speaking of complete opposites, that is what it’s like to leave jail as compared to Tony Robbins, nonetheless, your apprehensions are possibly very similar.

How do you behave?

Should I talk all about it? Because God knows it’s all I want to do.

Do I book my next one?  I don’t want this feeling to go away and if I have another to look forward to, it will keep me positive knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Do I go full force after what I want?  Break out of my restrictions? Break out of my comfort zone and truly just say “fuck it”, let’s do this?

Fascinated by the mind of the entrepreneur.  The person that believes they are their own boss. Also making them ultimately responsible for whether they succeed or fail.  No one else.

That’s courage.

Many only give credit, and justifiably so, to those that put their lives on the line, literally, whether in the Military or Emergency Services.  However, the entrepreneur takes an economic gamble that could leave them on food stamps. But, it also creates the opportunity to provide them, and their family,  with fortunes beyond their beliefs.     Sounds like the lottery, ya?  You can’t win if you don’t play, right?  But here is the one thing that they can do that someone that plays the lottery can’t do:

Work harder, work smarter.  When you leave, are you motivated? Yes.  Are you inspired? Yes.  But, going to one of these things is like being exceptional at practice.  You could be a stud Mon-Fri.  But when it’s game day, if you shrink in the moment, well, what good are you.  Same to be said here.  I could have made peace with aspects of my past, created a plan for my future, and learned how to take action in my present to make it all a possibility. But if I went back to my old habits as soon as landed in NY?  I essentially went to a four-day music festival.

When you leave, you’re leaving an atmosphere that is totally devoted for those attending to not only be entertained but, changed!  Think about that.  Those in attendance, some paying thousands to do so.  Some flying 18 hours like a man I met from Amsterdam.  Some flying cross country and living off protein bars and salt and vinegar almonds.  What they all wanted to do was have the knowledge, the tools, and the courage to make a drastic change in their life.  All of us think that something is missing, that we are kind of looking for our purpose, our mission in life. But it’s this:

Is Curly waiting for you in the form of Tony Robbins to tell you just that?  In a way.  Since I don’t feel like bringing a herd of cattle to their slaughter to try to discover my true purpose; This has to do.  Essentially, what you find out is that you just have to let go.

Let go of a past that does not pre-determine your future.  Just because it’s your past doesn’t mean it’s your destiny.  Let go of the future that may or may not happen.  It’s life, ONE THING can happen in a heartbeat and it all will change forever.  It could be for the good, the great, or the catastrophic, but it doesn’t mean you have you live life that way.  It means you GET to live life that way.

The world is filled with  stories of cancer patients that wish they knew this was going to happen to them decades ago. Why?  The time they truly lived life, was when they found out they were going to die.

Remember that list of 7 areas of life? Physical Body, Finances, Career/work, Contribution, etc.  (I write etc. because I can’t remember the last two and am too lazy and too focused to get up and look)  When you leave UPW, you MUST figure out a way to go after the one you want the most.  For me, and even if you’re my colleague or client, you won’t be shocked when you read this, it’s my career.

So, did I take action when I got back? Essentially,  does Tony Robbins work?

In chronological order. 1) Set up an appointment to get my student film, oh look, here it is again!

 

Anyway, like I was saying, I had to get it prepared to be submitted to film festivals.  A process that took a lot more time and effort one would think, but a major step.

Second, I needed a coach.  We saw earlier how remarkably expensive the Robbins Research life coaches were.  Truthfully, I didn’t think I needed one.  What I wanted was someone in the profession of screenwriting.  My mother came through clutch on this.  She bought me the Screenwriters Bible by Dave Trottier for my most recent birthday. A moment that brought me to tears.  How this simple gesture showed that my mother believed in her son and his dream.  So, who did I contact to be my writing coach? Dave Trottier.  Had our session and it was spectacular.  Keep your eyes peeled for when I get nominated for an Oscar.

My mother obviously had to be thanked for that, right?

WRONG

She needed to be thanked for much more than that.  She needed to be thanked for all the sacrifices, all the chances she took, and everything she did, to the best of her knowledge, abilities. I put that woman through hell and back and though she hated me at moments, and I hated her, she never stopped loving me with every ounce of being. And I love that woman more than any woman on Earth.

And I also  had to thank my dad.

This phone call was slightly tougher.  It required the moment of:

Do your move: “YES!”

Say yes: “YES!

Say yes: “YES!!!”

And then I called.  I honestly don’t know if I did that before, but when we were done, I definitely wiped my feet and celebrated!

That call belongs to us.

The last thing I did, I wrote a six-part blog about the most personal thing I’ve ever been through.  I would have never done this prior to the event, and I thank you with all of my overjoyed heart for reading this!

I made the decision that I MUST do it, and then gained LEVERAGE by posting that I was going to write six of these.  It got a little tiresome, a little too deep, but at the time, it was all about the will to allow myself to be scrutinized.  Many don’t know that is probably the writers number one fear.  That people won’t like it.  You know what I think of that:

FUCK YOU!

Let’s see you fly cross country, get no sleep, walk on coals, have your tongue, stomach, and ass decimated by protein bars and almonds  Hug and massage Lou, cry like your a kid and someone just broke your Optimus Prime, dance to Hits Volume 112, talk to complete strangers about why dad didn’t love you enough, listen to people tell you why their dad didn’t love them enough, clap until your hands were bruised, worry about falling down a flight of concrete steps in front of thousands, lose your voice four days in a row that made you sound like a transvestite doing an impersonation of Demi Moore,  and then deal with Uber!  Then when you get back, you share all of this while annoying God knows how many on social media with your “look at me, look at me” posts.

And you know what?

If you walked through my door right now with a ticket to Unleash the Power Within North Korea, a plane ticket sitting bitch the entire way, a bag full of salt and vinegar almonds and said we have to leave right now  with only the clothes on your back.  I’d say:

I’ll drive!

 

Thank you all!

PS: I’ve also signed up with Date with Destiny in Florida, December 2017, and keep your eyes peeled for Unleash the Power Within, NEW YORK!  July 2017.

Dedicated to the Memories of

Quido and Emma Notte.

Joshua “Rocco” Thompson.

 

For anyone looking for information about the event or anything to do with Tony Robbins, please call:  Angel McDonnell at 858-535-6287. Or email her at angel.mcdonnell@tonyrobbins.com

Please be sure to  tell her that I sent you.

Thank you and be sure to subscribe to find out when my next blog is posted

 

Make Your Move and Shake Your Ass, My Four Days with Tony: Day 3, SET A NEW STANDARD!

Authors Note:  Even though I have shared many personal moments throughout these blogs, this post in particular, will have some moments of ambiguity.  There are moments from this day that belong to me and only me.  If you were there, you will completely understand.  If you weren’t, hopefully someday you will and it will be because of what you’re about to readThank you and enjoy. 

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

-Mark Twain

Think back to days that forever changed your life.  When you awoke, did you know it would be that day?  Despite being forewarned multiple times the day before by Angel, my life was about to change and how did it kick off?

Goddamn protein bars and almonds!

Saturday morning I awoke after getting a whole 5 hours of sleep.  Other than Angel also informing me about this being THE day of transformation, it was also the longest day, slated to go from 8:30am until 1am.  Do the math.  Still, I must get my workout in.  While in the hotel gym, I noticed a couple other guys that were also wearing their UPW bracelets. (When you registered, you were given a bracelet and lanyard that showed your seating area by color) Our conversation was short, but I made sure to mention how I was informed this was going to be a long one.  So fuel up!

I’m geared up and ready to go, you know, that extra hour of sleep really kicked things up a notch!  Truthfully, I was stoked about Tony being back today.  Like I mentioned earlier, Joseph is spectacular!  But I’m sure even he would admit, the energy when Tony is there, it’s like an amp that goes to 11.

 

However, if I was jazzed for the fact Tony was going to be there, surely some of the other 10,500 felt the same way.  So, I had to get my little ass moving!

Breakfast at the Cafe in the hotel right? WRONG.  Doesn’t open until 7.  And I needed to be on the road.  Whole Foods right? WRONG, they don’t open until 8!  SON OF A BITCH!

Well, goddamn it.

Fast Forward to today.  It’s been over a week and I can’t even look at a bag of salt and vinegar almonds.  Anyway, off to:

DAY THREE

At this point, my comfort level with interacting with complete and total strangers is greater than talking to my family.  How so?  You start to think about how the outside world, your friends, your family, your co-workers, your clients, and how they going to judge you when you get back.

“How was your thing?”

“Did you drink the Kool-Aid?”

“Did you burn your feet?”

“You ‘re not going to be all positive and shit now, right?”

“You DO know Tony Robbins is a fraud?”

My mind was already worrying about something that may or may not happen?  Please refer back to the quote at the beginning of this post.  For some reason though, I had this feeling I was going to be treated like I just became a Scientologist!

Then my phone rang, it was my father.

My father and I have always had a very, tumultuous relationship.  I was predominantly raised by my maternal grandparents and was always a “momma’s boy”. My mom’s family has always been the ones I’ve loved the most and felt like I disappointed the greatest.  When I lost my grandparents within a year of each other, that is when my life sputtered out of control.  Throw in one of my best friends suicide, and well, you can see why I believed (past tense) back in my 20’s that I was justified in having a drug and alcohol dependency.

Back to my father, we actually enjoyed our conversation.  It was lighthearted and even though I sounded like a transvestite phone sex operator, he was so intrigued by what I was doing.  That was the moment I knew the day was going to be different.

I even told him I loved him.

When you get inside, they still don’t let you go to your section of choosing until a certain time. Meanwhile, people line up to ensure they get the seat they want.  While standing there, a very cute, young, Asian woman started chatting with me.  After a bit, we shared a little, not much, a little information about ourselves to each other.  For example:

Me: “I’m 38, you?”

Her: “I’m in my 30’s”

Oh was this little shit going to sit next to me. If not for the simple reason of seeing how much I could get out of her.  She felt like a challenge. S0, I asked if she would sit next to me and she obliged.  Off we went to spend the next, potentially 15 hours with each other.

Another aspect I’ve failed to mention up until now is the dancers.  Yes, the Fire Dancers.  At least that’s what I think they were called.  Their job is to come out and get you pumped up.  Remember the music that I described how God awful some of it was?  It’s Jock Jams.  Plain and simple, it’s Jock Jams and you fucking love it.  You’re doing the claps they are doing, the waves they are doing, the dance moves, and everything. 1996-2015 Keith wouldn’t speak to this guy.  Now I’m Superfly dancing to Britney and Pitbull.  I’m even shaking my ass like I’m the Hotstepper!

 

The young lady that I just met started to open up.  Many of you reading this don’t know me, I’m quite loquacious. Simply put, I talk A LOT and don’t shut the fuck up.  But now I’m listening.  I’m asking her more and more about her life and finding out she was a first generation Chinese American in her family. The more and more I found out, the more and more I realized how amazing some people are and how spectacular their journeys to this destination was.  For you see, it wasn’t just about seeing Tony Robbins, it was seeing how the people you were surrounded by had more in common with you emotionally than you thought.  We all get so consumed and/or overwhelmed by our emotions on a day to day basis thinking that no one understands us.  Just to find out, we’re not alone. We’re far from alone.

Joseph came out first. Initially, it was kind of a letdown, especially when you thought it was going to be Tony all day and night.  Whatever. A let down to this crowd would be the apex compared to A LOT of crowds that I’ve witnessed.   Nonetheless, the education began.  We learned that if you are going to have an Extraordinary Life, you must see what the 7 areas were and how you value each.  This is good for you that weren’t there, because take a moment to look and think about these:

In no particular order: 1)Physical Body. 2)Emotions and Meaning 3)Relationships 4)Time 5)Work/Career/Mission 6) Finances and 7) Celebrate/contribution, Spiritual Sense.

I know where I’m strong but where I want to be stronger.  Which means I fully understand my weaknesses.  The reason you do this, look at where you’re strong and  juxtapose what you do on a daily basis to make them so. Compare that to what you’re weak at. Be honest with yourself, it’s only you, to you, about you, you’re talking to.  I had to turn to my newfound, first generation, fine, female friend.

I joked earlier about how I would share lessons I learned and all you had to do was read this blog to discover them.  I had to turn to the person to my right, left, behind and in front,  a complete stranger, and tell them some things only my fucking therapist knows.  When you have a therapist, you are essentially their mafia boss and you’re paying them off to keep their lips zipped! But now, I’m turning to my right or left and saying my biggest fear, the one thing that frightens me to the point of nightmares and constant self-depreciation, is this and this is why.  You had to get over that shit quick.  Like Day 1, Hour 1.  However, the rabbit hole was going deeper.  Because…

HEEEEEERE’S TONY!!!

EXPLOSION!  LIKE 10,500 PEOPLE ALL HAVING THE BIGGEST ORGASM OF THEIR LIFE AT ONCE!

Don’t ask me why, it just was, and it was fucking awesome!  I could show you a crystal clear video with flawless audio and it would still not even touch what it felt like in that place, at that moment in time.  And by the way, I believe I’ve gained some sort of credibility earlier about being at monumental events.

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I have to add this in first.  Next to the adorable young woman to my left, (I had an aisle seat, remember this) there was a really big, like, looked like NYC mechanic named whose name could have been Lou and his Italian nephew who looked like a Michael.  Remember, “Hug 9 people”?  Well, there was something else you had to do. “Get in groups of 4 and massage the person in the middle”.  That didn’t happen initially.  “Lou” kept conveniently disappearing at those moments.  And at this point, I was okay with it. We will get back to this shortly. Oh and if you don’t like being touched. These events are NOT for you.  Or they could be a way for you to get over that shit!

He opened up with a lot of science about human chemistry and physiology. A theme throughout the weekend.   Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t rocket science, but it was very educating.  I’ve been reading his book, listening to his audio cd’s, and watched the documentary; I understood his language.  A good sum of it was redundant to me.

Then the children were taken out of the room.

For those that have never seen the documentary or much of anything about Tony Robbins, he curses like a drunk trucker at Mardi Gras.  I obviously was very fucking offended. He does acknowledge the children, though.  Saying they are going to hear things, but it is meant to shock.   Freud did it, so, you know.

“Don’t worry the kids are going into another room, we’ve got some great stuff for them to do.  We don’t want them seeing this because this may be very traumatic to them.”

What…the…fuck?  Was I scared when I heard this? You bet you’re fucking sweet ass I was.  And you would be too!  Keep in mind I already walked on fire and may be giving Lou a massage.  So, you know, everything is kinda on the table in this place.

But that is why I walked on fire.

THE DICKENS PROCESS

We all know about Scrooge right?  Whether you’ve read the immortal classic “A Christmas Carol” or saw Bill Murray in “Scrooged”, you know the concept, right?  Past, Present, Future equals changed life. It was at the moment Scrooge sees his future, after examining his childhood and current state, that he ultimately realizes that  his life has to change.   Well, the next hour was spent writing down our 3 most limiting beliefs. The ones that hold us back, scare us.  And guys and gals, I’m not talking about being scared of fucking heights.  These are beliefs.

“I believe if I do this, that will happen”

And some of those are pretty damn debilitating, now aren’t they?  And I’m turning to my left to tell them to someone I met 3 hours ago.

After we wrote three and why, we wrote their complete antithesis.  Our most 3 empowering beliefs and why.

“If only I could do this, this would happen.”

Now that we got those on paper.  We were told that what we are about to do is associate so much pain to those three limiting beliefs, that we will never allow ourselves to feel the same way about them again.

Allow me to say this with the highest regard for our Military and those that Serve.  I am NOT comparing what we did with what they go through.  But the premise can be similar.
We were broken down and then built back up.  Reprogrammed.  And Tony Robbins is my leader.  I’m fucking with you. Just pay attention:

The room went dark and we were told to close our eyes.

“People are going to go through some very strong, intense emotions, don’t comfort them.  Let them suffer.”

Imagine the life that you have where you will never change, a life where you will always be limited by these beliefs, a life that is lived in fear.

Now imagine 5 years from now, feeling that exact same way. But worse.

A boy, I say boy because he just sounded so young to me.  This boy let out a horrific scream like he was being mutilated.  It scared the shit out of me.  Then I thought,

“Why aren’t I having that type of moment?”

Then…

“Imagine it’s 10 years.  Now, people are leaving you because of how you are. You’re all alone”

My knee fucking buckled. I dont know why, but it buckled.  I had to reach back for the arm of my seat. Oh God I couldn’t open my eyes because now…The sobs, the screams…it’s all you could hear and then someone screamed:

“STOP!!!”

At 17 years old, I attempted suicide with my baby brother downstairs.  At 23 I was fully addicted to alcohol, I buried the two people that raised me and my penance for not telling them how much I loved them was feeling like I disappointed them for perpetuity. At 26 we buried my friend that shot himself in the head. The day before, he called and I didn’t answer because I was too hungover.

What I went through for 12 minutes on November 12th, 2016, was the worst moment of my life.  It felt like hell. It was hell…I couldn’t stand straight up. I tried, God knows I tried.  All you heard were people crying uncontrollably.

“Let out a sound that describes what that feels like”

I didn’t know our soul could scream.

“Imagine it’s  20 years”

If he were in front of me…I would have fallen to my knees and begged him to stop.

This is what pathetic feels like.

“Let out a sound that describes what THAT feels like”

I didn’t know the terrified child could scream.

Then..

“REPEAT AFTER ME!”

NOW I AM THE VOICE

I WILL LEAD, NOT FOLLOW

I WILL BELIEVE, NOT DOUBT

I WILL CREATE, NOT DESTROY

I AM A FORCE FOR GOOD

I AM A LEADER

DEFY THE ODDS!!!

SET A NEW STANDARD!!!

STEP UP! STEP UP!! STEP UP!!!

“NOW MAKE THE SOUND OF EVERLASTING JOY!”

YES! MOTHER FUCKING YES!!!!

This is was unstoppable feels like!

And like that, it turned into the most epic moment of my life.  That’s all you get.  My words will never accurately describe what happened after.  I will continue on with certain aspects, but you must feel it for yourself.  Do it for yourself.  Give yourself that gift.  For some, it will be the very first time you ever truly loved yourself.

And what a glorious feeling that is.

All I’m going to say what happened to me physically is this.  I had an aisle seat and had to reach back to make sure I didn’t fall down the stairs because of…I felt sick.  Violently sick. But this is aimed at those that were there, does anyone wish they had someone handing out a few tissues?  The amount of snot coming out of my nose.

And then we had to stick our fucking fingers up the damn thing. Do you honestly think something didn’t stick to it when I pulled it out?  All the while talking to the person to my left?

That was part of breaking the pattern.  We touched base with our inner child, and proved how foolish these beliefs were.  This was proceeded by replacing a lot of our past with our undetermined future.  Oh and what a future I now have waiting for me.

This was the last day with Tony and it was everything you could have prayed, hoped and dreamed of. He was humorous, educating, informative, passionate, honest, and loving.  If some how, some way he sees this.  Thank you.  It was an awful nice thing you did for us…me.

And we fucking rocked that place until 12am!!!

The next hour was for those that wished to sign up for the Mastery Program.  He came back on after 1am but I left at about 12:45.  I had just “exorcised the demons”, I was spent.

Life officially hit the reset button.

Christ, even Lou gave me a massage!

Nothing could touch me, right?

WRONG!

Fucking Uber…

 

For anyone looking for information about the event or anything to do with Tony Robbins, please call:  Angel McDonnell at 858-535-6287. Or email her at angel.mcdonnell@tonyrobbins.com

Please be sure to  tell her that I sent you.

Thank you and be sure to subscribe to find out when my next blog is posted

 

 

Screw the person, help the dog.

Have you ever been the “Phone a friend”? And no, I don’t mean Regis on the other end asking: “Keith is that you? Regis Philbin, Who Wants to be a Millionaire”.  You ever notice on that show that the person always answered on the first ring?  Little desperate.

The phone a friend I’m talking about, well…

The first instance I can recall was a classmate of mine my senior year in high school.  I went to a very small Catholic High School in Rutland,VT.  A city that lately has become synonymous with heroin and a Syrian refugee debate.  Poor Syrians, not only to they have to go to a place they are not wanted.  They have to go to Rutland too.

It wasn’t always like this though.  A thriving economy with not one but two General Electric plants.  Multiple factories that provided the nation and parts of the world plastics and wood.   Now, not so much.  But during 1996, booming.  Thanks Slick Willy!!

I was only 17 years old, but a friend was calling me because of my expertise in specific subject matter.  It wasn’t about homework, no one would ever fucking call ME for homework.  It wasn’t for relationship advice. I was better in science than I was in relationships and I consistently failed science.  No, the subject was way more serious than that.  She was calling me to tell me she wanted to kill herself.  Only weeks before, maybe days, I was released from Cheshire Medical Center in New Hampshire, where I stayed for 15 Days and 14 Nights.  At 17 years old, I was the one that answered the: “Cry for Help”.  I don’t know how many of you have had that luxury.  But, being handed that responsibility, in the same very room you attempted your own suicide attempt, only days after coming back there.  I will just say this:

I wouldn’t have had anyone else fucking do it!

Oh, and she lived.

Years later, well, I may have gotten that call again.  This time, I was too hungover to talk.

3 days later.

He didn’t.

Last Friday I get a text from a woman that I think highly of.  We met on one of the many dating websites I subscribe to.  I like to say I’m casting a wide net.  Realistically, I’m just desperate to hear someone hot say I’m cute.  We could go into a very deep psychoanalysis of this, but we will save that for another blog.

My friend, who we will call Faith 333,  is recently separated and has a 10 year old  boy.  Very attractive lady, nice body, a school teacher,  public speaker,  life coach and a writer.  The latter  still something that I’m trying to convince myself that I am.  See you in 3 months Tony Robbins!

Once Faith 333 liberated herself from her marriage and was officially labeled as “Currently Separated”, she  went on one of the many dating websites I frequent on a daily basis.  Now,  to add some credibility; It wasn’t even 2 days into my ex and I deciding to get a divorce before I already had this gorgeous little lady that wanted to meet me on Match.com  And when she did…Let’s just say she got to witness an actual nuclear meltdown from point blank range.  I officially became her dating site horror story.    Eventually, though, I met a girl, that was amazingly sweet but just as amazingly insecure.  We ended up sleeping with each other on the first date and the whole time I couldn’t get the image of my ex out of my head.  Another horror story. Then I  met a hippie girl I obsessed about, but that turned into the Three Mile Island to the previous Chernobyl.  Now, I’ve never seen American Horror Story, but I understand that there are 3 different seasons of it, each with a different story line.  This was my dating life.  Eventually though, I  went down to D.C. just to have sex for a weekend with a girl I was crazy about in another life. A very “No Strings Attached” weekend. But, like any addict, I hopped right back on the Merry-Go-Round of dating websites and  met a crazy Christian.  That ended due to one of those Himalayan Salt Lamps and a rabid cat.  Long story.   And my last fling came and went when I  met the next Senator of NY.  But this one ACTUALLY  became my girlfriend…  For a week!  No shit! Good thing that didn’t become Facebook official, so we can pretend it never happened.

Faith 333 on the other hand met someone that made her feel for the first time in only God knows how long!  Made her feel loved.  Made her feel sexy! Made her feel wanted, desired, coveted.  Unfortunately though, she became second fiddle to addictions like her ex-husband she was still technically married to. She was rejected by this man she met,  which in her heart and mind is her Scarlett Letter, rejection that is. Her and I went out on an official date, and I asked if there was someone else. I had a sense.  She confirmed that she still had feelings for this guy.  Why wouldn’t she?  Imagine you were in an incorrigible situation for YEARS, and when you break free from it, there is someone there that, you thought, swept you off your feet.  The funny thing about encounters like these, desperate enough, you will find any commonality to build upon.  Even though the strongest commonality here was the way she was all alone again, except for the love of her son.  Which was now becoming strenuous due to the horrible back and forth her and her soon to be ex-husband were subjecting him to on a daily basis. And child of divorce knows what I’m talking about.  No matter how much you try not to put the child in the middle, the child(ren) always are.  And typically, one will use the child as leverage.  Which is appalling, but true.  Desperate times call for desperate measures right?  Anyway, the night that Faith 333 and I went out,  my “Spidey Sense” for dating too soon, which I believe I am now an expert of, was freaking out.  I could tell this lovely woman was wounded, and she needed time to heal. But rejection is a son of a bitch…

Many of us know that feeling don’t we?  The feeling of wanting what we can’t have?  We will convince ourselves that it’s SO MUCH MORE than that!  I mean seriously,  I was married to a girl that was talking to other guys online about the possibility of  them meeting BEFORE we got married.  She even contacted the guy on our Honeymoon.  She even had phone sex with one guy.  IN OUR BEDROOM. After being told some of this and figuring out the rest and confronting her about it; You know what happened right after I moved out of our house?

I STILL WANTED HER BACK!

Because she rejected me.  And… I was dying to have sex with her just one last time.

But the text I got from Faith 333 wasn’t about that though.  I actually  mentioned why she did. Did you pick up on it?  He is an addict and alcoholic, and furthermore, and she didn’t know she was doing this, she was worried about him hurting himself after not hearing from him since the evening before.  A night she thought he had been consuming something. But she didn’t know this, but this was now the 3rd time in my life that phone rang and it may have had a persons life hanging in the balance.

And there was no one else that I’d rather have answering that phone call.

After some tears were shed on her part, and understandably so.  No one wants to be rejected.  True story: The last time I heard my ex-wife cry?  She was on the phone with me, still as my wife, and she was listening to me cry about how much I missed her.  She told me to stop crying.  Then I asked about the guy she said she was convinced she was in love with, the internet troll living in his mom and dads basement.  Or so I believe.  She welled up and told me he stopped talking to her. Hmmm…Maybe it was because he was a major reason why you wanted to leave your husband.  It was much deeper than that though, please see a previous blog post of mine.

She asked if I would come over for dinner, which I accepted.  Why?  I’m in a good place emotionally, and when I am, I love to help people.  Does it help that Faith 333 looks the way she does?  It sure as shit doesn’t hurt.

While I was there we enjoyed each others deep conversations, while revealing some of our darkest moments.  I’m not the type that goes on to social media and just blabs about my problems.  That’s what blogs are for!  No, seriously though, we have a connection.  We ended up watching that Tony Robbin’s movie on Netflix and talked until midnight.  I kissed her on the cheek and forehead to let her know she is loved, and wished her a good night.

The next morning I woke up in a pisser of a mood.  I don’t typically stay up past 10pm, primarily because I wake up religiously before 6am.  So, falling asleep at around 1am and waking up at 6am flat out sucks. Instantly something that happened at the end of my work day popped into my head, which did nothing but perpetuate my bad mood.  Then I got a notification on my phone, then another, and another.  Faith 333 thanked me so much for what I did and told me that she was going to do what she needed to.  I suggested the night before that she focus on her son.  Being a son of an ugly divorce, which she is going through, the child needs to be at the forefront of her mind, not a guy she was chasing.

So Faith 333 said she was going to do just that, focus on her son…Until, well, emotion takes a hold of your throat and then face punches you over, and over, and over, and over and over, and over…and when you think it’s finally done, it starts back up even stronger than before.  Why?  Because nobody wants to be rejected.  Remember my ex-wife and her internet fairy tale lover?  I would have taken her back in a second during the first year of our divorce, and probably portions of the second.  THAT is how powerful the feeling of rejection is.  It’s like an addiction to heroin mixed with cocaine.

She asked if she could come see me and go for a bike ride.  My bad mood from lack of sleep and work immediately dissipated.  I started to clean up, get myself ready, and get psyched for my ride.  It was shortly followed by her texting that  she got sick and can’t come.  Funny how your body reacts when your mind convinces you that there is a crisis happening.  Now, my bad mood came back with a vengeance.  I decided I would read which  didn’t last longer than two sentences.  My anger and frustration with everything I did, was willing to do, and was excited to keep on doing overwhelmed me.  So what did I do you may ask?

I got the fuck up.

Everyday, especially lately thanks to the nice weather.  I go for a walk first thing in the morning.  One morning though, I see a German Sheppard running around only a street up from my place.  Now, my childhood best friend had a German Sheppard growing up, his name was Apollo.   Appropriately named because he was as terrifying as the boxer in the Rocky movies and as fast a space rocket.  So there is a bit of a fear from adolescence that resurfaces when I see one.  Especially one that is free from his chain.  But I decided that day to keep on my path.  Not going to lie, I definitely turned around and started having second thoughts.  But as I approached the dog, I remembered a lesson I saw watching G.I Joe.

 

What I did do though was turn my hand palm side down and let him sniff the back of my hand.  He licked my hand and we realized we were both friendly and very beautiful.  A minute later I heard a whistle, turned around, and grabbed the dog by the collar and brought him to his somewhat grateful, annoyed, and embarrassed owner.

Fast forward back to the morning that Faith 333 “blew me off”.  I kid, because I will send this to her.  I began my walk on this beautiful morning and instantly I started feeling better.  Then a man in his Chevy Silverado pulls up and asked if I’ve seen a dog?  Told him that I haven’t but I did ask what kind?

A German Sheppard he said.  I quickly responded, without thinking of how douchey it may sound:

“Oh are you the same guy that lost him 2 weeks ago?”

“Yes”. he said with a soft tone that essentially said: “Son of a bitch, does this guy only walk when I lose my dog?!?”

Now that I think of it, I wasn’t douchey; Here is an idea, stop losing your damn dog?!?

Minutes later I saw the dog and we ran up to each other like two hippies tripping on acid that finally found each through the forest of people at a Summer Festival.  Seconds after that, I saw the guys truck and we got our dog back to his owner.  I continued on my walk with my head held high, my shoulders back, and an immense sense of pride.

Moral of the story or for some of you and what the fuck is the point of this for the rest:

The point is…We say things happen for a reason and some of us say “It is what it is”.

Fuck that!

When you’re feeling down, depressed, sad or are just not feeling mentally well: Get up, go do something for you, something for a family member. And if they suck, do in spite of.  If they suck that much, do something  for a friend.  And if you don’t have any friends, do it for a co-worker, and if they smell like 3 day old cheese, do something for a stranger, and if strangers scare you, JUST DO SOMETHING!

Because a dog could be lost without you.

A classmate may hate her life so much not realizing that she eventually can leave and be free of her mothers dark shadow.

A mentor may be lost and you may know the way out.

Or your friend calls, and because he’s not a good looking girl like the other two, you don’t answer the phone and then he’s gone.

 

Please trust me, doing something, no matter how painful it can be.  I promise you, it will never be as horrifying as the feeling that comes from doing nothing.
Live with passion!

-k