We’ve seen the commercials about finding someone special using an app and/or website. You know the ones, they are usually sandwiched in between a pill that will get you to quit smoking, yet will cause you to tirelessly contemplate killing yourself. But hey, at least you quit smoking. And the other commercial is about life insurance. So, to recap, quit smoking by slitting your wrists, find the love of your life, then buy life insurance. Clearly they are in no specific order. Because that would be, you know, influential.
Nonetheless, as you sit at home on a Friday night, binge watching Netflix while eating your 4th pint of Halo Top Ice Cream, you decide that you’re tired of being alone. So, you do it, you sign up for online dating.
Your gender, age, race, or sexual orientation aside, this is a world unlike any other. Why? Well, allow me to elaborate by giving you what will happen as you create your profile and what will happen immediately after.
For a man, you sit there and upload photos that you think are cool. Ones of you doing stuff and photos of the stuff you like doing.
What do I mean?
Well, Vinny from Secaucus, NJ loves his IROC. So here are photos of him in his IROC. Here are photos of him shirtless washing his IROC. And of course, a photo of his IROC, all alone in its glory.
Vinny will describe himself as a fun guy that loves to play hoop, have drinks with the boyz, and of course, his IROC. His primary objective is to land a hot broad that will be fun for him to go to the club with and show off to his buddies.
Meanwhile there is Bonnie from Burlington, VT. She has photos of her hiking, her friends, her hiking with her friends, her dog, her hiking with her dog, and of course, the mountain she hiked, all alone in its glory.
Bonnie will describe herself as an intellectual that is down to earth. She is looking for someone that will love her with or without make up, preferably without, someone that she can have coffee with, drink Pinot Grigio with, is kind to her dog, and will love spending time with her friends and family.
They couldn’t be any further a part. Yet, so very similar.
Once they complete their profiles, they submit.
Then, all hell breaks loose.
Vinny will go on a Safari like Rainbow Randolph in Death to Smoochy!
Vinnies hunt consists of him:Finding any and all ladies on there that attract him. Not paying one bit of attention to what they’ve written, where they are and what they do. All he looks at are the pics, and when he’s done, he’s liked all their photos, winked at all their profiles, and sent an obscene amount of emails. All with the elegant prose of:
“Hey, wanna hook up?” Written underneath a pic of his dick. While in his IROC.
His reward: Endless notifications from fictitious profiles from “girls” that look like they are supermodels, have zero standards in their “Wants/Looking For” and magically live in this town where the hottest girl in town IS the hottest girl in town because she has more than 9 teeth. I’m from Vermont, so I have some expertise on that. All providing their email in their profile that looks like: merta@gamaledotcom
Meanwhile, theirs Bonnie. She hits submit, and before she even has the opportunity to go “shopping” for the man of her dreams…
Her reward: Endless notifications from every man imaginable that likes all of her photos, winks, and endless emails with the elegant prose of:
“Hey, wanna hookup?”
And if she doesn’t respond to guys like Vinny, Vinny calls her a cunt and hopes she dies in hell. Nice huh? And that of course is written underneath a pic of his dick, while in his IROC.
Before she has an opportunity to have an opportunity, she is already contemplating whether or not this has been the biggest mistake of her life.
With that, I give you my online dating do’s…Oh, and before I begin, you may be wondering what gives me the credibility to be your “Online Dating Guru”?
Well, please note what a parable is, and see if the stories above may seem somewhat insightful.
And no, I don’t own an IROC…
Be yourself. Seriously, not everyone is comfortable about writing about themselves. And I get that. I have no problem with it per se, however, I understand there is a comfort level in it. Seriously, you’re on an online dating site, whoring yourself out to the most eligible bachelor or bachelorette. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you’re not all that confident with yourself if you are doing this.
So, if you’re uncomfortable about writing about yourself, don’t. Write about who you want to meet and what you want. And if that is too had for you, then what the fuck are you doing?!? You don’t know who you are, or what you want. My suggestion then, go find some porn and take care of business until you figure that shit out.
We don’t go on a road trip without knowing where we want to go do we? Sometimes people like to go for a drive. But they know who they are and why they are doing it. And typically that is in an effort to “clear your head”. Well, you subjecting yourself to this world is in hopes of finding love…right? Or get laid. Again, if that is the case, you have some standards now don’t you? And if you don’t please refer to the porn comment a paragraph ago. Point being, if you don’t know who you are, or what you want, then you will suffer immeasurable pain. You will be treated like shit but some piece of shit that is just like you. You will come across serial daters…
That are just as lost as you, and will tell you all the things you want to hear in an effort to make themselves feel better. Which of course it won’t do. So, what do they do? They take you for granted, take advantage of you, and walk away like you never existed. All after they made you feel like the greatest thing on earth since Blue Raspberry Airheads.
Insecurity has always been an issue of mine. Until this past week.
THANKS TONY ROBBINS!
And when you’re insecure, you lack the confidence to be present with a woman you find attractive. To go engage them. Instead, with online dating, you have all these “likes, winks, then emails.” What ends up happening? You’re expectations grow to imaginable levels and they lady or man you meet doesn’t stand a Pint of Halo Top ice cream chance in hell. This leads me to the next point:
Don’t fucking do it. Don’t go online to date. Imagine this, you meet someone online, you engage them, they like you, and you like them, then you meet, then you realize they suck, then what?
Why can’t it be like that with someone you meet at the grocery store, the gym, through a friend, through fucking Facebook? At least on Facebook you can see all the photos they DON’T post on an online dating site. Seriously! I’ve gone out with girls that had their profile pic on Match.com be a photo taken back in 2008! Do you think she looks a little different in the fucking decade since?
Moral of the story. Please believe in yourself. Who you see in the mirror may be beautiful to a stranger. Christ, we all get tired of certain people in our lives, seeing them day after day after day. So you can bet your sweet ass that your perspective may be a little skewed when you see yourself.
To you, you may look nothing but ugly.
To another, you may be the most exquisite thing they’ve ever seen.
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