Authors Note: In an attempt to display some “range” with my writing, I’ve decided to not swear in this post. See if you can tell where I would have used vulgarity. With that I give you:
The second week of February of this year I celebrated 13 years of being clean of booze and blow.
The second week of February of this year I celebrated 10 years of being cigarette free.
As of today, it’s officially been 3 months, OR 12 weeks, OR 84, actually 87 days since my last online date.
I quit the drinking and blow because, after a while, you get a little tired and annoyed with pissing the bed on a regular basis. And those aren’t cheap “habits”. Couple that with continuously buying plastic sheets from Walmart, even at their low, low price of $18.97; it adds up quick.
I quit smoking because the cigarettes were causing my forefinger fingernail on my right hand to become soft and yellown or brellow (You guessed it, brown and yellow officially did it, they hooked up and the child was the aforementioned forefinger fingernail). I’ve always enjoyed the fact I’ve possessed naturally calm cuticles. So, to ruin it with a soft, yellown or brellow fingernail would have been putting a Picasso in a frame from Walmart at the low, low, price of $37.87.
And I quit online dating because well…
The Last Surviving Site…
You ever see an ad for a site, any site, and you click on, they ask you to enter your email and the next thing you know:
“Sorry, this email already exists”.
What? When? How?
Then you remember on a Friday night, you thought the prospect of sugar-free, dairy free, gluten free, taste free, high protein, sour gummy candy was, the greatest thing since Mr. Skin.com. Then you came to your senses and realized $9.95 for 6oz. and $4.95 shipping was a little ridiculous for something that would last two handfuls worth of time.
Well, lets just say, the email thing would happen on the following:
Plenty of Fish.com
Coffee Meets Bagel (saw this one on Shark Tank)
Hot or Not.com
And the piece de resistance, wait for it…
(No, no Farmers Only and yes, I did check out Christian Mingle until my mouth tasted like burning.)
However, when I got back from “Date with Destiny”, (Foreshadowing) I was dating someone. Which meant my profiles were either hidden or deleted. You actually can wash away your existence on these sites…So they say…Unfortunately, when I got back from said event, the dating someone was something…
You know, I may delve deeper into the “why” I broke things off with her someday, just not today…
Yet, there was a lone survivor…One forgotten about… Or was it?……..
Meetmindful kept popping up on my Facebook page news feed. Meetmindful presented itself as a dating site with a “conscience”.
Aww, those poor developers had no idea what this world consists of. It was only a matter of time before a spoiled blueberry deep within the pint turned it into one fuzzy glob of penicillin. (I’m allergic to penicillin…which sucks because every time I have to list an allergy, I struggle with penicillin. Not the allergy itself, but the spelling. The only reason I have it spelled correctly here is, you guessed it, red underscores. Thanks, Bill Gates!)
And who is that furry blueberry of death you ask? (You didn’t ask)
…Let’s go find some “Irie Sisters.” (hippie speak)
I’m not going to go into some long, historical diatribe about “Hippie Keith”, instead, well…
Look at those dawg gone eyebrows!
Point being, in the deep recesses of my mind I possess the vernacular needed to walk down “Shakedown Street” and score some heady nugs.
It’s right next to those 5 years of French. Je suis un ananas!
Well, shortly after returning from Tony Robbins (I hate “I told you so people”, and to read about My Date with Destiny…
I get messaged by an exquisitely beautiful young lady, who, wait for it, LIVES NEAR ME! (It’s insane how many people you meet on these sites that don’t live ANYWHERE near you! Insane I tell you!)
And we hit it off…Why? Because she mentions Tony Robbins in her profile. In many cases, especially in moments of desperation- let’s face it, when you’re on a dating site, you’re pretty dawg gone desperate-you grasp at any straw available. (Did I use the dash appropriately? I have no dawg gone clue.)
But, when you return from a week of, well, read the blog, and the first girl you meet, unintentionally by the way, just so happens to mention a man you spent more time with than, well, your father…Thoughts of serendipity start swimming like salmon to Capistrano through your hippie speaking/French speaking/self-help motivated mind.
This is where I may creep all of you out a bit (or a bit more)…
So, to communicate with people on MeetMindful (I should mention the questions they ask and then post your answers on your profile consists of things like: “What gets you present? What are you passionate about? What imperfections are you embracing?… Ya, you get the point…) you are given a few day window to go on a mass assault on all the hopeful, innocent hearts within a 50-mile radius of 12803. When those days expire, way too fast I might add, you have to pay to read and send emails. Here is where it gets creepy (as if), I refuse to pay. I mean, the monthly cost is the equivalent of two sets of plastic sheets at Walmart!
HOWEVER, they (profiles) provide enough information to be, well, a dawg gone stalker! All you need is a name (provided), their city (provided), and a picture or two; you can pretty easily find them on Facebook. Just as long as you study their pics well enough to either find it’s match or a similar one. (If I studied this hard in high school I’d be a dawg gone Astrophysicist).
When you do, and I always do, you send an Instant Message like,
“Hey, so this is Keith, from… Ya, is this cool or is this beyond creepy?”
It usually works… it always works… they get it. However, none of the relationships (foreshadowing) work, so, there’s that. But how dawg gone creepy, right?
Instant messages turned into “friend requests”, friend requests turned into texts, texts turned into phone calls, which turned into texts the moment our phone calls were over, which turned into staring at your phone hoping it would ring, which turned into picking up your phone making sure it was working, which turned into restarting your phone because it needed a restart anyway and SURELY she’s texted me, which turned into me sending the “Hey” text with the blushing smile face emoti, which turned into…
DAWG GONE IT WHY HASN’T SHE SENT ME A DAWG GONE TEXT?
Then she does letting you know she was busy, sorry and is thinking about you…Because, you know, we haven’t met yet so the fantasy of “happy ever after” is being played like a GIF in both of our minds.
She says things you’ve been waiting to hear come from a sweet sounding voice, and you say things which floor her because you’ve been on so many dawg gone dates that you’ve gotten pretty dawg gone good at this. But, they’re true. They’re how you truly feel and think. So, what do you do?
“You should really read my blog.”
Good idea, right?
Here is my thought process when inviting a potential partner to read about a few of her, well, predecessors…
- You more than likely will read something if we hit it off, might as well be now.
- You more than likely will Google my name, and you may stumble across, well…This:
3. You more than likely will suck, so don’t suck so bad that I end up writing about you. You’ve been warned. And lastly,
4. I’m an over-flattering schmuck and all those compliments (You’re breathtaking, you’re exquisite, you’re gorgeous…) Yeah, I use those A LOT, by all means, don’t feel special and/or unique. But I’m also a writer that desperately needs validation!
Well, I’ll let you figure you out (No, I won’t) which one of these “set her off”. (#4)
Needless to say, I got this text:
“So, I did some reading last night and I don’t know how I feel about you, lol”
LOL? LOL? What in the name of dawg gone heck are you dawg gone LOLing about you stupid dawg gone dawg goner?!? (I’m currently suffering from vulgarity withdrawal)
Needless to say, I called her. Pretty sure I cried, I’m fairly certain I cried, ya, I cried. I’m good like that. In between tears I rattled off the usual suspects:
“You’re so special!”
“I’ve never connected like this!”
“What did you think of the writing?”
Authors note: Okay, lets get something clear, I’m painting myself into this corner of being this God-Awful soul. I’m not. I’m just, well, honest. So, you know, deal with it and get off your sanctimonious, pretentious cloud and realize this: It’s a scary, dark world, dating. And sometimes, well folks, sometimes, a man does what a man has to do to survive in this cruel, superficial world…
Needless to say, date on!
I really hate paying for sushi. Especially for online dates. Why? I’ve got a great hook-up, and from time to time, I’m notorious for bringng the “uninspired” dates (skeptical at best) to said hook-up. However, she found this place in Malta, and we decided to go there. And yes, I bought flowers. (I did that crap early on, and I learned a valuable lesson; don’t do that. However, the whole blog thing threw me off, so, here I am, flowers in tow.)
She pulled up next to me in the parking lot and, DAMN! Total smoke show. Beautiful from head to toe to ass. And what an ass!
I gave her the flowers, and she kissed me! This was going to be the perfect night. The LAST first date, right?
The sushi sucked. It was globs of rice, fake crab, and a ton of that orange…stuff which looks like the dawg gone “secret sauce” they put on Big Mac’s.
But, damn…she was fine, and the way she looked at me…
Oh and the ambiance, it was slightly above those Chinese “restaurants” with one table, two chairs, flypaper strips in between Chinese lanterns, and for some reason a ton of maps of the city.
So, you know, romanticism was at it’s apex. Then this happened…
“Anything else?” The young lady asks while putting down our check. What if I said yes? What if I wanted some fried, green tea ice cream? Maybe tonight of all nights I craved something that could simultaneously speed up and slow down my metabolism. (I didn’t, I just wanted to get dinner over with for some sushi breath sexy time.)
“No, thank you.” I innocently answered while we still had two mountains of, well it looks like the sushi chef was drunk, got home and made this for himself.
At 8:50ish, another, different waitress comes over and starts to take our plates, FULL OF FOOD, away!
“Umm, we’re not done.” My beauty responds while forking in a massive glob of sushi.
Now, allow me to recreate the scene for you.
I’m on the right, she’s on the left. The waitress comes from behind me to the table. So, as she walked away, and I heard “pfft”, I wouldn’t have been crazy to think she, well, tooted… I mean seriously, what the hell is “pfft’?
She didn’t fart…
“Did you hear that?” My wide-eyed damsel asked with escalating insanity.
“Yeah…”I responded while trying to not come across as a coward. I mean…Who “pfft’s”?
“Um, excuse me, but we are going to finish OUR food, which WE (Keith) paid for!” She fired with a harsh, instigating tone and forks another mouthful of…I don’t think it’s sushi anymore.
“We’re closing!” The “pffter” slashed back.
“When?” My lady parry’s.
“9:30!”… “Pffter” is pissed! However…
“And what time is it now?” It was 8:5something, but it sure as sugar wasn’t even 9.
A second of silence (it was a glorious second too).
“Sorry, what time? Excuse me, what time is it now? Ya, I thought so!” 1984 Mike Tyson had nothing on her…And ya, she’s ferocious, however, the tone in her voice not only changed, it developed an accent. (foreshadowing, and no, it wasn’t high pitched like the aforementioned 1984 boxer.)
You know what question I hate being asked by anyone I meet online? (Insert 93 jokes here.)
“How long have you been online dating?”
The truth, I’ve been on and off for over 10 years…10 YEARS! Again, off and on…There was this 5 year window where I didn’t have any online dating activity. You know, because I was, well, married. Little did I know that I was the only one in that relationship who took a break from the world wide interweb!
Have I told you about my student film “Good Grief”?
Anyway, I say that to say this, I’ve been on a dawg gone ton of dates. And this, a legitimate cat fight at a Sushi restaurant…Didn’t see that coming.
“Come on, lets go.”
Sexy time, sexy time, sexy time…Seriously, my heart was thumping like a pair of sneakers in the dryer. This was the best foreplay ever! (not really, but still pretty awesome) Very one sided, but still something so very erotic about it. (The soft core porn writer in me was envisioning them somehow crossing paths later on and then…well…)
“Ya, lets…” She acquiesced while firing daggers with her eyes towards the Waitress from Hell!
We walked out hand in hand to my car…I left a small tip…But I did tip.
I lease a 2016 Honda Accord Coupe. Nice, sleek, sporty, and from time to time it can be like a fat kid in skinny jeans, a little tight. Tonight was one of those nights. For you see, we were going to let her car warm up while we “talked” and then made our way to a bar to “chat”.
We didn’t make it there it to the bar.
We spent the rest of the night, well, seeing how much two people could maneuver in a 2016 Honda Accord Coupe. Yet, somewhere in the middle of all of this, in the middle of her telling me how she thinks I’m “the one” and the guy she’s been waiting and “praying for”.
“I’ve got to tell you, I’m dating someone… And…Ya, I have another date tomorrow.”
So, let me get this dawg gone straight, only 5 dawg gone hours ago, I was in dawg gone “tears” because you read my dawg gone blog and thought I was a dawg gone player. But NOW, you’re telling me that you not only have a dawg gone boyfriend, but you’re “technically” cheating on him and have plans on doing it again tomorrow, AFTER you dawg gone told me I was the dawg gone one you’ve been “praying for”?
And do you think I mentioned this?
“I’m living my life, how I want to live my life, and I’m sorry, no, no I’m not sorry, I’m going to be me and this, this is me.”
Yeah, I had no dawg gone clue what that meant. All I did know was that tone with the accent was back. And it scared the ever-living poo out of me.
I’m done! I’m done! I’m so dawg gone done!
But not until we fooled around for another solid couple hours (it was brutally cold that night. Remember that stretch where it was like -17 every damn night? Well, it was in the middle of that. We turned my car on and off like 23 times. It was a perfect metaphor for the inhabitants of said car on this evening.).
Anyway, we parted ways. Two days later we decided it wasn’t going to work.
And I also decided my online dating movie was…well, “Fin”.
Then, well, I got this text from someone I hadn’t heard from in some time, and it read:
“Hey Keith, Happy New Year!”
Authors Note: Totally have my MeetMindful page still up. Because, well…
I AM PENICILLIN!